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                                   COOL BEEF 

                                 By Don Bolles

                      >>> A CULT Publication......1988 <<<
                        -cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc-

  "Do you, like, ever let people into your meat-locker to, like, uh, you know,
fuck around with the meat?" I asked.

  The short-haired Greek man looked at me strangely from behind the counter.
Several of the waitresses glared in my direction.

  "What you mean 'fuck around'?" the dumpy Greek asked.

  "You know, like shovin' your dick in and out of the openings in the meat.
Then, like, getting a bunch of smelly, sticky cream of tubesteak all over the
junk that you grind into foodburgers," I informed him.

  "Naw.  We don't do that.  You don't do that.  Nobody do that," the imbecile

  "I do that," I began, "and as a matter of fact, most of my pals do that too.
We like it."

  Overhearing our conversation, one of the waitresses gave me a sour look.
She seemed to be acting like she was getting sick.  The cook and the other two
waitresses completely ignored everything except the random orders for patty
melts and double cheeseburgers.

  "Look, I don't wanna do nothin' weird or strange or anything.  I just wanna
fuck a bunch of meat that you got in your huge ol' meat locker.  Listen, don't
any of you stupid fuckers understand what I'm sayin'?" I stated in an agitated

  "Mister, people gotta eat my food.  If you stick dick in food, no can eat.
Frank lose money.  No can do," the Greek said.

  "How much money would you lose, bright eyes?" I asked.

  "Big thing of cow cost Frank $220 for a half," Greek-man said.

  "Well, I wanna fuck around with about 13 of them.  Let's see...that's about
$2860...and I'll give you...oh, let's see...$40 just for letting me do it,

  "I dunno."

  "OK.  Look, I'll give you $3000 cash, RIGHT NOW, cause I like you an awful
lot, and also cause I'm fucking sick and tired or trying to talk to you
goddamn Greek half-wits."

  The Greek seemed to ponder what I had said for a minute, or perhaps he was
just wallowing in incomprehension.  One waitress went into the back-room and
loudly threw up.

  "OK.  But you give Frank money NOW."

  I handed the three bills over to the fool and lifted up a section of the
counter and walked into the walk-in freezer.

  "OK, you can fuck with 13 sides of cow, but leave cheese and other gunk
alone.	OK?"

  There was a wide variety of different kinds of food present in the walk-in
freezer.  Many, many eggs and other fine foods.  I could see containers of
pancake batter and butter.  On the left was what I was after.  Thirteen
beautiful sides of beef!

  I started to get a hard-on just looking at the beef!

  "You got your cash.  Get out of here!" I shouted at the geek.

  I casually waltzed up to the nearest beef-side and began to sweet-talk it.

  "Hi, new in town?  Ever get into Satanism?  Shit, you're cute."

  The cool beef did not reply.

 (c)1988  Don Bolles                                                  1/0/88-34
 All Rights Worth Shit