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      _____________       _/_/     | | \ \          _/_/     _____________
     |  ___________     _/_/       | |  \ \       _/_/       ___________  |
     | |              _/_/_____    | |   > >    _/_/_____               | |
     | |             /________/    | |  / /    /________/               | |
     | |                           | | / /                              | |
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     | |                                                                | |
     | |      c   o   m   m   u   n   i   c   a   t   i   o   n   s     | |
     | |________________________________________________________________| |

  ...presents...                 Double Feature
                                                         by The Dark Static

                      >>> a cDc publication.......1990 <<<
                        -cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc-

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{_} {_} {_} {_} {_} {_} {_} {_} {_} {_} {_} {_} {_} {_} {_} {_} {_} {_} {_} 

From The Nashua Cult........................................The Dark Static
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{_} {_} {_} {_} {_} {_} {_} {_} {_} {_} {_} {_} {_} {_} {_} {_} {_} {_} {_}

                           A double "How-To" t-file...

Table of Contents: 1: How To Steal a Dumpster
                   2: How To Lock Someone In Their Own House

How To Steal a Dumpster

     This has never worked for me, so add any helpful tips you can!
First: Find a dumpster full of goodies [hard to find these days].  Call up the
Dept. Of Sanitation, and pose as a manager of the place... explain that you are
having a problem with the dumpster being too full to put anymore in.  Hassle
them until they agree.  If that works, they will send out one of those garbage
trucks that lift dumpsters and dump their contents into the truck.  The driver
arrives: Hide in the bushes somewhere, and make sure there is no one around
the dumpster area or within viewing range of the victim dumpster.  He will
get the dumpster hooked on, and then begins to lift it into the air.  This is
where the hard part comes in.  Remember when you always pretended to be in one
of those Ninja movies [or not], well it's come true!  Sneak to the dumpster.
Now begin frantically screaming that someone is in the dumpster after 4 seconds
of lifting.  At this time, jam the joint thingy with a metal bar or something
strong.  Now all this takes good timing, so NEVER panic if you want a
successful theft.

     The reason this didn't work for me, is because there actually was someone
in the dumpster, and he blew my cover by screaming in sheer terror.  Well,
anyway, don't let my sad but enlightening story get you down, rather learn from
it, and tell it to your grandkids.

     On with the scandal - The driver will either come running out, or try to
put the dumpster back down.  Seeing that choice B doesn't work, he will come
running out.  This is the perfect moment to nail him in the head with a nearby
stone, knocking him out.  If you planned poorly, and nothing was available to
hit him with, or he was just plain immortal, then this is when you make a run
for it and try some other day.  Otherwise, proceed to the next phase of your

     All right, so the driver's knocked out.  Note: The dumpster should still
be in a half-lifted position, since you jammed the lever.  Now get in the truck
and drive home.  You should have made a neatly done concrete base for your
newly owned dumpster.  If not, anywhere in the yard will do.  If your 'rents
get pissed off, just lock 'em up in the dumpster for later use.  You're not
done yet by any means!  You've got a HOT dumpster truck on your hands.  Now
there are many uses for this bold machine, but here are a just a few concepts:
Run it into the police station with a threat note attached, sink it to the
bottom of the lake, or just sell it to one of your neighbors. Anyhow,
congratulations!  You now have stolen a dumpster!

How To Lock Someone In Their Own House

     This one, I have done before.  It is really a lot of fun, and can turn
those boring Sunday nights into a fun filled vacation.  You will need some rope
on this one, and a few other things.  Let's get started with the doors.  For
the front door; take a length of rope, tie it around the doorknob and then tie
the other end to a tree.  Doors open into the house, so they won't be able to
pull it open.  If their aren't any trees, just tie it to a support beam or a
mailbox.  Next, you have to get the other doors.  Following the example, come
up with your own stuff.  Ok, we don't want the victim to know what's going on,
so we have to cover the windows somehow.  Just get some of that wood glue
that you see lying around when they're building a house and glue a piece of
plywood over their windows.  Now, let's take care of any sliding doors - just
take a pole or anything and stick it in the gap so the door won't open.  It's
the same thing some people use to lock them from the inside.  This would be
a good time to glue the mail slot shut, so they can't peek out.  If there are
any dogs in the yard, just give 'em a bone with glue all over it... that will
glue his jaws together so he can't bite OR bark.  I've pretty much covered it
all; oh yeah, cut the phone line.

     Now, they are totally locked in from the outside world.  If they have a
CB, it might not be as effective.  The next morning, alert your neighbors and
watch the suckers try to get out.  The neighborhood will never treat them the
same again....

Watch for other bullshit files on a BBS near you!

Oh, and a little note about myself.  The reason my alias changed from Avenging
Rebel to The Dark Static is because someone else was using the former alias,
and I found out he's had it a few years longer than I've had it.

  _   _   _____________________________________________________________________
/((___))\|The Convent..........619/475-6187  The Dead Zone.........214/522-5321
 [ x x ] |Demon Roach Undrgrnd.806/794-4362  The People Farm.......916/673-8412
  \   /  |PURE NIHILISM..........new # soon  Ripco.................312/528-5020
  (' ')  |Tequila Willy's GSC..209/526-3194  The Works.............617/861-8976
   (U)   |=====================================================================
  .ooM   |(c)1990 cDc communications by The Dark Static. 02/07/88-04/03/90-#127
\_______/|All Rights Pissed Away.