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  ...presents...                      Ruth
                                                         by Obscure Images

                      >>> a cDc publication.......1991 <<<
                        -cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc-

     I met Ruth in April of 1989, before I graduated from high school.  I was
attracted to her from the first moment I saw her.  For three months after I met
her, I rarely saw her, thinking of her only as Seth's girlfriend.  After those
three months, circumstance stepped into the game and I fell in love with her.
It was only four months later that our relationship officially ended.
Officially ended, but unofficially I don't think that it ever will.

     I fell in love with her several days before we both moved to school.  A
friend of mine was having a party for those of us who were leaving for school.
The party was very wild, and people were having a good time.  Eventually, the
party worked its way into my friend Brad's bedroom where everyone was messing
around on his waterbed.  The party drifted away from the bedroom after about 45
minutes, leaving me behind floating on the bed thinking.  I was laying there
for about five minutes when Ruth walked into the bedroom, pausing for a moment
in the shadows on the other side of the room before approaching me.  She was
far from the typical standard of perfect female beauty, but she seemed radiant
to me nonetheless.  She was a short woman, with wide hips, or as she liked to
say, "child-bearing hips."  She was also slightly overweight, but it worked to
her advantage because it made her seem more voluptuous.  Her skin was very
pale, white as ivory, a tone that even the sun could not destroy.  Her face was
oval shaped, with full red lips, and green eyes that were slightly crooked. 
Her eyes made her look more exotic and mysterious, as well as causing her to
seem sad all the time.  The finishing touch was her long flowing black hair. 
She walked across the room and laid down on the bed beside me, where we spent
the rest of the party cuddling.  It was the first time in my life that I had
felt anything other than indifference toward anyone.  It was also the first
time that I ever fell in love.

     A full-fledged love didn't appear between us for several weeks after the
night of the party.  It was only when I began to talk to her and respect her
that I fell completely in love.  In the weeks that followed, we found that we
needed each other.  We were both alone at school, homesick and depressed,
without anything to do.  The attachment to each other grew very strong between
us, even though she was still dating Seth.  In the midst of unending
depression, I was happier than I had ever been in my life.

     Ruth was the only person that was keeping me away from insanity.  When we
talked it meant something.  When we went out together we always had a good
time.  I felt that my life was beginning to have some meaning, and as long as I
had her I would always be happy.  Unfortunately, it wasn't long into our
relationship that she began to self-destruct.  That was when it all began to

     I fell to the ground, stinking drunk and feeling sick.  I was retching
into a gutter outside a friend's house.  It was a horrible night so far, and it
kept getting worse as it went along.  When I stopped heaving, I looked up to
see Ruth, bathed by the moonlight, crying.

     "Oh Paulie, I feel so bad, I wish I would die right now!  I can't take
this any more!"

     I couldn't reply, I was too drunk to say anything coherent.  I did manage,
however, to stand up and hold her until she stopped crying.  We managed to walk
to my dorm room and get into bed before we both passed out.

     The next day after classes were over, we met again in the lobby.  I was
sitting in the lounge smoking a cigarette when she came in.  Although she was
looking as beautiful as ever; I could tell there was something wrong.  She
looked upset and I could tell that there was something bothering her.  Later in
the day I would find out that I was right, and it would turn out to be the
worst day of my life.

     "Paul, we need to talk."
     "Ok, have a seat."
     "No, I mean that we have to talk in private."

     As we walked silently to my room I felt very heavy, as if I knew that
something bad was going to happen to me.  By the time we reached my room, I
understood what was going to occur.

     "I've been thinking a lot about what we are doing, and it is wrong.  I
think that I should be faithful to Seth."

     "What do you mean?"

     "I mean we have to stop all of this, no more kissing or holding hands or
any of it."

     I couldn't say anything in return, so I sat down and turned my face away
from her so she couldn't see the tears that were welling up in my eyes.  She
walked in front of me, knowing what I was feeling.  When I looked at her, she
was shaking.

     "I still love you, but this just can't go on, I feel so horrible about
betraying Seth."

     "I don't give a shit about Seth, I love you."

     "I know you love me, and I love you too, this is just something that I
have to do."

     By now I was crying, and once again I felt so alone.  Instinctively I
stood up and moved to her, clutching her against me.  She was crying.

     I felt her take another breath and say, "Could I ask you something?"


     "When I need you, do you think that I could still give you a kiss?"

     "Any time you want to."

     She hugged me tighter and quickly said, "I've got to go."  She let go of
me and left me alone to think about it.

     The next few months were a living hell.  The pain would not stop, I really
didn't think that it would ever end.  We avoided each other to reduce the pain,
yet I was always there when she needed me.  I was there when she was too drunk
to walk home.  I was there when she wanted to kill herself.  I was there
whenever she had a fight with Seth.  Every time she needed me; I was there.  I
took her pain and added it to my own.  Eventually, the pain got unbearable and
I resorted to other ways of getting rid of it.  I took to cutting myself with
an X-Acto knife and then pouring cologne on the wound to make the physical pain
blinding, to drown out the memory of our love.  I wrote letters to her in my
own blood; I would do anything to temporarily get rid of the pain.  Eventually,
the agony was dulled to an aching throb.  We became friends again, although our
friendship always hurt, haunted by our love.  Even now, several years later,
the pain still remains.  When we touch all the joy and all the pain come back
as intensely as before.  Ruth was my first and only love, and only now do I
realize the consequence of falling in love.  Love isn't an emotion, it's a
  _   _   ____________________________________________________________________
/((___))\|Demon Roach Undrgrnd.806/794-4362|Kingdom of Shit.......806/794-1842|
 [ x x ] |NIHILISM.............517/546-0585|The Polka AE{PW:KILL} 806/794-4362|
  \   /  |Ripco................312/528-5020|Tequila Willy's GSC...209/526-3194|
  (' ')  |The Works............617/861-8976|Blitzkrieg............502/499-8933|
   (U)   |====================================================================|
  .ooM   |Copr. 1991 cDc communications by Obscure Images        10/31/91-#197|
\_______/|All Rights Pissed Away.                            FIVE YEARS of cDc|