_
                                   | \
                                   |  \
                                   | | \
                            __     | |\ \             __
      _____________       _/_/     | | \ \          _/_/     _____________
     |  ___________     _/_/       | |  \ \       _/_/       ___________  |
     | |              _/_/_____    | |   > >    _/_/_____               | |
     | |             /________/    | |  / /    /________/               | |
     | |                           | | / /                              | |
     | |                           | |/ /                               | |
     | |                           | | /                                | |
     | |                           |  /                                 | |
     | |                           |_/                                  | |
     | |                                                                | |
     | |      c   o   m   m   u   n   i   c   a   t   i   o   n   s     | |
     | |________________________________________________________________| |
     |____________________________________________________________________|

  ...presents...

       The cDc #200 Higgledy-Piggledy-Big-Fat-Henacious-Mega-Mackadocious
       You-Can't-Even-Come-Close-So-Jump-Back-K-B00MIDY-B00MIDY-B00M File

                                                         by Swamp Ratte'

                      >>> a cDc publication.......1992 <<<
                        -cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc-
 ____       _     ____       _       ____       _     ____       _       ____
|____digital_media____digital_culture____digital_media____digital_culture____|


]PR#6

]
BUNNY F00-F00'S AE DISK

]CATALOG

C1982 DSR C#254

*A 002 HELLO
 B 135 AE
 S 097 AE.HLP
 B 070 INSTALL
 B 109 BDOS
*T 002 MACRO.LIB
 T 002 AE.WELCOME
 T 013 GERBIL FEED BOMB/F/SRATTE

]BRUNAE


                       ASCII EXPRESS  "The Professional"
                           Version 4.20  (c) 1984 by
                          United Software Industries


AE: Term-->

ATZ
OK
ATDT8888414
CONNECT 2400


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                                     :                     :          * ELYTE*

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You have 3 letters!  Read them now? Yep

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[Numb] 01/03                           [Date] 12/24/92
[From] Lord Digital #26                [Subj] HEYSYS0PIMUSTWARNU!

W0W, ELYTENESS, 1 M JUST 0VERWHELMED BY THE T0TAL ELYTENE$$ 0F 1T ALL.
N-E-WAY, 1 HAVE COME AS A SAVIOR TO YOU.  *I* AM THE BRIGHT WHITE KNIGHT THAT
WILL CAST DOWN BIG DADDY, TV, POWER COMPUTER AND FREE HUMANITY FROM THE BONDS
THAT HOLD IT TO THESE MANIPULATIVE FASCIST FORCES THAT EXIST BOTH WITHIN THE
MIND AND WITHIN THE HEART.

I AM NOT THE LEX LUTHOR ON HBO
I AM NOT THE LEX LUTHOR ON T-SHIRTS

I AM YOUR GUIDE INTO *ELITENESS*.  AS MOSES LED *YOUR* AND *JOHN MARKOFF AND
KATIE HAFNER'S* 4FATHERS OUT OF EGYPT IN2 THE PROMISED LAND OR AS GANDALF LEAD
MIDDLE-EARTH OUT OF THE HANDS OF EVIL SAURON (4 U WHO MAY NOT HAVE BEEN
EDUCATED IN YOUR HERITAGE BUT RATHER IN THE THEN CURRENT HIP CULTURAL
ELITENESS), *I* SHALL MYSELF VANQUISH THESE EVIL MENACES TO EARTH, AND THE
GALAXY AND UNIVERSE AT LARGE.  THE BRIGHT SHINING WHITE OF MY ELITENESS IS FAR
MORE POWERFUL THEN THE "KNOCK DOWN THOSE WHO THINK WHO THINK THEY KNOW
EVERYTHING MENTALITY" OF MOD.  NO, MY ELITENESS IS SO ELITE THAT EVEN I MYSELF
ALMOST BECOME FRIGHTENED OF IT, AS IF MY BODY WAS SIMPLY A VESSEL OF MY
ELITENESS THAT COULD EASILY BE DISPOSED OF BY THE SAID-ELITE AT ANY GIVEN
MOMENT.

YES, THE LAME MAY FEEL THE EVER-ENCROACHING FEAR OF BIG DADDY, TV AND THE POWER
COMPUTER COMING DOWN UPON THEIR L0ZER HEADS BUT YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE EVEN
GR8ER FEARZZZ OF THE *TRUE* ELITE, WHOSE ELITENESS IS SUCH A POWERFUL FORCE
THAT THEY ARE BARELY IN CONTROL OF THEIR OWN MINDZZZ AND/OR BODIEZZZ.  AT LEAST
YOU CAN FIGHT POWER, AS I SEE THAT FOR THE GOOD OF THE WOLRD I MUST SACRIFISE
MYSELF SO THE UNENLIGHTENED SHEEP OF THE WORLD CAN GO ABOUT LIVING THEIR
PEACEFUL LIVES.

I COULD HAVE BEEN A GR8 MAN!  YET, INSTEAD I CH0ZE 2 HUMILY GIVE IT ALL UP.
SOMETIMES I ASK, "ELI, ELI, LEMMA SABANCHINTICITI !?!@?#?!@?#?@!?#?!#!@?!?@"
(FOR NON-Y1DD1SH SCH0LARZZZ THAT MEANZ "MY GOD, MY GOD, WHY HAVE YOU 4SAKEN
ME!!@?#?!@?@?!?#@!?@?!"  BUT I AM NOT MEANING 2 IMPLY ANY STUD MUFFINZ BY THIS,
& NO NOT YOU, YOU EGOTISTYCALSWIN3ZZZ)

BUT I HAVE TANGENTIALLY BEGUN BURDENING YOU WITH MY 0WN DARK PHATE.  I HAVE
C0ME 2 WARN U OF A DISTURBANCE IN THE PH0RCE.  I PHEEL U WILL BE CONTACTED
SHORTLY BY ELYT3 P0WERZ U MAY NOT COMPREHEND!!  BE ALERTIEZ!!!!
U HAF BEEN WARNED!

L0rd D!g1tal
KooL-RaD ALLIANCE!
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[Numb] 02/03                           [Date] 12/24/92
[From] Swamp Ratte' #102               [Subj] djaf0jajkfj!

Hey - I uploaded some new not-yet-finished t-files.  I'd appreciate it if you'd
take a look at 'em and lemme know whatcha think.

Thanks,
S. Ratte'/cDc
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What are you doing, putting your stupid files on my hard drive?  There could be
warez there, you shit!  Fuck off.

Ok, *maybe* I'll look at 'em first... and THEN I will trash them.

Remind me to delete you.

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[Numb] 03/03                           [Date] 12/24/92
[From] The Grim Eggbert #158           [Subj] BS/2

Hi there.  Allow me to introduce myself.  I was featured in the documentary
t-file "The History of Real K-K00L DOODS" (by The Edge) as a troubled
adolescent with some real serious problems.  However, with a lot of self-
induced shock therapy I've mended my ways.  There's nothing like having your
every character flaw pointed out in excruciating detail to make you step back
and say "Eggbert, you need a change."

Fortunately, those kind, wonderful folks in cDc SAVED MY LIFE!  They took me
under their wing and taught me that with a lot of hard work and cash donations
to their group, I can be a meaningful person!  They're also teaching me how to
be elite!  Once a week they give me a "s00per sekrut mission" which usually
involves the acquisition of hi-tech equipment to further their wonderful plans
they have for the future of us all.  They can't tell me these plans, you
understand, as I am but a cDc/WorkerDrone in the K-K0W F0RCE! and do not need
such information.  When I succeed in returning back to my base with my job
completed they lavish me with praise and Hostess Fruit Pies like no mere
natural parent can!  When I fail (c0w forbid!), they beat me severely and make
me wear women's evening gowns.  I hate the humiliation.  But I deserve it
because it's the only way I will learn to be elite.  Daddy?  Stop it.  I love
you too, cDc.  Please don't hit me again.  Twinkie?  They're having me do a
suicide run on a central office next week so I may not be able to call back. 
Where's Mommy?  Another part of my work for cDc is programming this new
operating system called BS/2.  Thank you sir, may I have another?  I feel so
groggy, and it's getting hard to see.  They  haven't fed me in a few days.  I
am K-K0W F0RCE! and I can handle it!  I'll kill them all.  Daddy?  I love cDc
with all my heart.  What was I saying?  The horror... oh my.  I'm going to put
the info file for BS/2 next in my message so you can see how elite I'm becoming
and be proud of me too.

Here it is:
------------

             cDc introduces the most VIOLENT operating system ever!

  Welcome to a new era.  Welcome to the next generation in operating systems:

                                     BS/2

You're in a hurry, so you want PCs to respond faster.  You do many things at
once and wish your PCs could too.  You want software that's more powerful, but
also easier to use.  You'd like more color.  You're eager for your systems to
communicate with other systems.  You want improved reliability. And you want
all this without obsoleting your investment in equipment, software and
training.

                         Well TOO BAD!  STOP WHINING!

cDc brings you B0VINE SYSTEM/2, the fastest and most gut-wrenchingly powerful
operating system ever!

EUNUCHS, PMS, Mac System x, AmigaDOS, Windoze NT, etc...  don't even think
about it!  Give it up and GO HOME!  We scoff!  HA!  All other operating systems
cower and DELETE THEMSELVES due to their incredible relative lameness!  Check
it out!

    Real multitasking!  Hundreds... even thousands of processes all running
    simultaneously in a non-stop BATTLE to the DEATH!  The eventual winner
    burns itself into an EPROM and REIGNS FOREVER!!

    Over 500,000 levels of HIERARCHAL FILESYSTEM to be explored, complete with
    hundreds of SECRET INVISIBLE FILES!!

    An astounding 3-D GUI!  Windows HURTLE open at BLINDING speeds to display
    cracked glass, piles of oozing gore, and UGLY HAGS who glare at users
    with the EVIL EYE!  The GUI also features a mouse pointer shaped like a
    BLOODY KNIFE!  The scroll bars are covered with MYSTICAL RUNES!  Every
    file has TEN ICONS... but NINE of them are DEADLY TRAPS!!

    AUTOMATIC DISEASE SIMULATION!  Every week, BS/2 will create a new
    VIRUS to PLAGUE your valuable files!  Each new virus is MORE POWERFUL than
    the last!  Don't slack off... with BS/2, DOOM lurks around EVERY CORNER!

    Virtual reality?  OLD NEWS!  BS/2 creates REAL reality with HIGH-SPEED
    SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES that ATTACK and DEVOUR the very MIND of the user!
    The world of BS/2 will become your world too... AND YOU'LL LIKE IT!

------------
Well, do you like it?  Does it make you happy?  It makes me very very happy.
But only if cDc is happy!!  I want to be good.  Would you like me to upload the
beta version?  Please?!

Sincerely,
Eggbert

P.S. What state am I in?  What year is it?
Help me
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Enter message now, max 4k.
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[---=----=----=----=----=----=----=----]----=----=----=----=----=----=----=---]
Sounds cool, upload it!
What was all that other blathering about?  I skimmed it, I don't like long
messages.  Doesn't matter, just put up the file!

                                Bunny F00-F00!
                         Sysop of Virutal Hell ELYTE!
                           Ask me about cool macros!
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Delete mail now? Yes'm

[T:--][VHE:Main] :T

[T:--][Xfer:1-New Uploads] :N

<< New-Scan All >>

<< 3 New Uploads to 1-New Uploads >>

001. GRADSCHL.TXT :: Grad School and Automatic Weapons
Uploaded by: Swamp Ratte' #102 on 12/24/92

002. MONEYGRP.TXT :: Money-Grip Box
Uploaded by: Swamp Ratte' #102 on 12/24/92

003. COWBEAT2.TXT :: Cow Beat Issue #2
Uploaded by: Swamp Ratte' #102 on 12/24/92

004. ENCBROWN.TXT :: Encyclopedia Brown Does It Again!
Uploaded by: Swamp Ratte' #102 on 12/24/92

005. IRCMANUA.TXT :: IRC Manual For Love
Uploaded by: Swamp Ratte' #102 on 12/24/92

006. KRADTHIN.TXT :: It's a K-Rad Thing
Uploaded by: Swamp Ratte' #102 on 12/24/92

007. LIVEHOHO.TXT :: Live From XmasCon 1991
Uploaded by: Swamp Ratte' #102 on 12/24/92

008. PROPACDC.TXT :: cDc Propaganda
Uploaded by: Swamp Ratte' #102 on 12/24/92

009. REALPI93.TXT :: Real Pirates 1993
Uploaded by: Swamp Ratte' #102 on 12/24/92

010. SUBURBAN.TXT :: Suburban Fascist Regime
Uploaded by: Swamp Ratte' #102 on 12/24/92

011. TDETHCDC.TXT :: For a Moment He Smiled
Uploaded by: Swamp Ratte' #102 on 12/24/92

<< New-Scan Complete>>

[T:--][Xfer:1-New Uploads] :V

[File to view] :gradschl.txt

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Subject: Grad school and automatic weapons
Date: 3 Nov 92 19:22:13 GMT

Geek and weapons humor ripped off from DESPERADO.

     It's common knowledge that whenever you get two or more CS grad students
together, the conversation will inevitably drift to the same topic: automatic
weapons.  Lately, we've noticed that whenever we attend a CS party, picnic, or
bull session, we always hear the same questions and discussions, usually from
the younger grad students:

    "I want to mount an M60 in front of the sun roof of my Tercel, but
     the mounting bracket wasn't drilled for import cars.  How did Josh
     Bloch do his?"

    "Some of my friends at the MIT AI Lab don't like M203's because the
     grenade launcher adds too much weight, but I wouldn't have gotten
     out of IJCAI-85 in one piece if it hadn't been for those 40mm flechette
     rounds.  What do you think?"

    "Do you have to be a god-damned tenured professor to get teflon rounds
     at this place?"

    "Does the 'reasonable person principle' cover hosing down a member
     of the Soar project after he's used the phrase 'cognitively plausible'
     for the fifteenth time in a 20 minute conference talk?"

    "Where *did* Prof. Vrsalovic get that Kalashnikov AK-47?"

    "I used to use Dri-Slide to lube my M16.  How come my advisor says
     Dri-Slide is for momma's boys and Stanford profs?"

    "Does the way Jon Webb keeps flicking the safety of his Mac-10 on
     and off at thesis defenses make you nervous, too?"

     In short, there is a lot of concern in this department for the proper
care, handling and etiquette of automatic weapons.  So as a service to the
department, we are starting a two week daily series on "The Care and Handling
of Your M16A1." Every day for the next two weeks, we will post on the wall
outside our office the day's helpful hint on care and maintenance of that good
old departmental standby: the M16A1.  Our thanks to the US Army, whose
training manuals we have shamelessly cribbed for material.

     We would like to encourage other knowledgeable members of the CS community
to share their expertise in a similar fashion.  There is a real need for this
kind of dialogue in the department.  The new students come in here every fall,
and are totally unequipped to handle the realities of graduate student life at
CMU.  Computability theory and lexical scoping are fine things to know about,
but they just don't cut the mustard when somebody from the Psych department
opens up on you with an Ingram set to full auto.

                  -the friendly automatic weapons enthusiasts of SkyCave1,
                   Olin, Derek, and Allan

Date: Tue, 26 May 87 09:55:15 PDT
From: jkhBERKELEY.EDU
Subject: Supporting one's opinion with sustained fully automatic weapons fire.

     I had recent occasion to view your Presentation Announcement on care and
feeding of automatic weapons during lecture hall.  I found it most amusing.  I
would very much like to see and/or contribute future material.

     We have similar problems here at Berkeley, though it has been difficult
to wean our students away from more the more mundane assortment of Browning
Hi-Power's, Beretta 92SBF's and Sig-Sauer P226's.  The 9mm clique is pretty
strong here, and the young grad students fairly parsimonious.  They tend to
balk at the idea of spending enough money on ammo to make full auto firefights
practical.  Lately, they've taken to sniping at each other from the Campanille
tower and engaging in loose hit-and-run guerrilla tactics during finals.  This
is obviously not the American Way and needs to be changed.  While I've been
able to slowly wean them into more progressive arms (such as the Beretta 93R
and an occasional mini-uzi), I still can't seem to get past the supply problem.
My questions are:

    "Do you buy your ammo in bulk, or do appointed individuals do shifts on a  
     progressive reloader?"

    "Does the school pay for this?"

                Thank you.

                    Sincerely,

                    J. H.
                    U.C. Berkeley

27-May-87 02:16    OS@hi.cs.cmu.edu
My reply to J. H. of UC Berkeley:
- - - - -----
J. H. -

     Thank you for your letter.  It was certainly interesting to hear of
conditions out on the West Coast.  What can I tell you about the situation here
at CMU?  I'm really glad I came to CMU.  The faculty is absolutely first rate,
and they all take pride in their weapons skills.  We are admittedly a pretty
opinionated bunch, which provides for many interesting interchanges within the
community.  I, for instance, think the long barrel .44 Automag is more of a
fashion statement than a weapon, though you won't catch me saying that within
earshot of Prof. Fahlman.  If you catch my drift.

     I am very fond of Berkeley.  I think that while LA represents the dark,
twisted climb-the-water-tower-and-start-shooting-until-the-Marines-settle-it
side of California weirdness, Berkeley represents the very best of the pure,
innocent-killer side of it all.  The first weekend I ever spent in Berkeley
was in the summer of 1983.  I was sitting down at one of those really
delightful cafes you have out there.  To my left some old man was drinking
cappucino and practicing Chinese calligraphy; down the street some
undergraduates were engaged in a running firefight.  I was taking it all in,
thinking that Berkeleians have remembered something about living well that the
rest of America seems to have forgotten; when this kid's stray .223 slug
shattered my glass of pomegranate soda.  "Crazy undergraduates" I remember
chuckling to myself as I put the safety back on my Hi-Power and returned it
to its holster.

     It seems a shame that ammunition is so hard to come by out there, though. 
We are quite spoiled here at CMU.  The departmental attitude towards logistical
support really crystallized for me in September of my first year.  One of the
incoming first-year hot-shots had taken out Prof. Felton with a head shot from
500 yards.  We were all really impressed, and I think it was generally agreed
that Felton couldn't have asked for a more painless, appropriate end.  It was a
beautiful, almost poetic way to cap what had been a textbook career of
brilliant, original mathematical insights punctuated with outbursts of random,
deeply unhinged violence.

     You've probably heard of Felton (National Academy of Science, IEEE Past
President, NRA sustaining member).  My advisor told me later that Felton's
academic peak had come at that now-infamous 1982 Symposium on Data Encryption,
when he presented the plaintext of the encrypted challenge message that Rob
Merkin had published earlier that year using his "phonebooth packing" trap-door
algorithm.  According to my advisor, Felton wordlessly walked up to the
chalkboard, wrote down the plaintext, cranked out the multiplies and modulus
operations by hand, and wrote down the result, which was obviously identical to
the encrypted text Merkin had published in CACM.  Then, still without saying a
word, he tossed the chalk over his shoulder, spun around, drew and put a 158
grain semi-wadcutter right between Merkin's eyes.  As the echoes from the shot
reverberated through the room, he stood there, smoke drifting from the muzzle
of his .357 Magnum, and uttered the first words of the entire presentation:
"Any questions?" There was a moment of stunned silence, then the entire
conference hall erupted in wild applause.  God, I wish I'd been there.

     But I digress.  At Felton's funeral, our departmental chairman delivered
the eulogy.  I'll never forget his summation: "Poor Felton.  Published and
published, yet perished just the same." And that's the attitude that the
professors take here.  As my advisor said: "The tragedy of Galois is that he
could have contributed so much more to mathematics if he'd only spent more
time on his marksmanship." The professors at CMU aren't in the business of
turning out effete researchers, aimed at the big industrial labs.  They are
interested in training *real* academicians, suitably prepared for life in the
jungle of university-level computer science.  And that means time spent
practicing our teaching skills and weapons handling *as well as* making
fundamental research contributions to the field.

                                                     -Olin

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[File to view] :moneygrp.txt

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     It came to me suddenly one night... in a Taco Bell... the festering
remains of a beef burrito sulking in my stomach... the concept for  the
ULTIMATE box... yes, the

                             $$$$$$ MONEY-GRIP BOX $$$$$$

               (transcribed from a Mexican-food induced vision by)

                      ..oooOO Count Zero OOooo.. *cDc* -=RDT

                 ** special thanks to Kingpin, for good karma **

     Think about it.  Every "box" ever invented was based pretty much on the
same premise: how to get SOMETHING for NOTHING.  In other words, to RIP OFF. 
Well, taking this concept to its logical conclusion, we end up with a "box"
that simply CREATES MONEY.  Yes, CASH wherever you need it.  Not JUST for phone
calls, but for pizza, cigs, laptops, v.fast modems, parking meter fares, YOU
NAME IT.  YOU DECIDE.  The box... PROVIDES.

     Of course, the electronics required to build this wonder have not been
invented yet, but I will try to explain.  First off, the box must of course be
green.  But not just ANY color of green.  It must be MONEY GREEN.  Maybe even a
picture of George Washington on the back.  As for buttons, there will be just
ONE.  A BIG, GOLD button in the center of the box... labeled "CASH."  And when
pressed, the sound of cash registers will emanate from the unit - "Ka-CHING!"

     I believe the main circuit should be a rectifier... to rectify the
situation in YOUR FAVOR.  Many capacitors (the green, electrolytic type) are to
be arranged in a pattern on the PCB as such:

                         -|C-    -|C-
                         -|C-    -|C-
                -|C- -|C- -|C- -|C- -|C- -|C- -|C-
              -|C-       -|C-    -|C-
                -|C-     -|C-    -|C-
                  -|C- -|C- -|C- -|C- -|C- -|C-
                         -|C-    -|C-        -|C-
                         -|C-    -|C-      -|C-
                 -|C- -|C- -|C- -|C- -|C- -|C-
                         -|C-    -|C-
                         -|C-    -|C-
 
     Using a typical OP-AMP, you should be able to wire these caps to allow you
to amplify your NEED for CASH.  Of course, be sure the entire circuit is
properly grounded.  Otherwise, hundreds of dollars could be sent RUSHING
through your body by accident.

     After combining the rectifier, capacitors, OP-AMP, and proper grounding
wires, you must 'baptize' the PCB with human blood.  Find a small child, take
him out to Chuck-e-Cheeze, and when he's not looking, drain a few pints.  Pour
the blood over the entire circuit.  Take his lunch money while you're at it.

     Next, you need an IC... but not just ANY IC... you need a chip of the
future... a FHSIC chip (Fucking Huge Scale Integrated Circuit).  I can't tell
you exactly the specs on this baby, since my vision was interrupted at this
point by a hearty black-olive-flavored belch, thereby jerking me out of my
divine insight.  I'll get back to you all on this one.

     Once you get the FHSIC, just slap it in the box on top of the PCB.  It's
an INTELLIGENT chip, so ya don't have to worry about pinouts and all that crap.
 t'll know how to connect itself.

     As for POWER SUPPLY, there's an ironic twist here.  Note the following
equations:

          Time = Money
         Money = Power

     Ergo, Time = Power!

                         (Note: all units are metric)

     Since MONEY is POWER, and TIME is MONEY, well, the box will drain power
from the TIME CONTINUUM itself... and the translation of that TIME into MONEY
will be seamless.  Equations don't lie.

     Add the solid gold button (SPST switch) and a speaker (for the
"Ka-CHING").  Close the box, and secure it all with generous portions of CLEAR
EPOXY.  Use GOBS.

     NOW.the fun part... go to a payphone... place a direct call to Guam.  When
the operator asks for money; close your eyes, push the gold button and chant,
"Mo' money, MO' MONEY, Mo' money".  Concentrate on your NEED for $$ (coupling
to the OP-AMP circuit) and you will suddenly hear the "Ka-CHING" and smell
burning flesh.

     Hovering six inches in front of your face should now be EXACTLY the amount
of $$ you need (in the proper denominations, of course) to complete your call. 

     Do this same procedure in ALL circumstances where you need money.  Just be
sure to be out of sight (the appearance of floating cash tends to freak out
ordinary people).  The box will ALWAYS generate EXACTLY the amount you need.
If you happen to get MORE money than you THINK you need, you were WRONG.  The
box, since it gets its power from TIME, can predict the future to an extent...
and may generate $$ that you will need in the NEAR FUTURE *as well* as the $$
you need immediately.  Do not be afraid.  The box knows!

     That's about it.  Future plans for foreign currency are bouncing in my
head:
              Germany - "Der MoneyGrip Box"
              France  - "Le MoneyGrip Box"

And so on....

     Now, BUILD IT... and bask in your glory.  Ta-dah.

  ..oooOO Count Zero OOooo.. *cDc* -=RDT

-EOF

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       |   ______   \_/\/\___    /\_  /        _____   \     /\/\/\_____
    /\/   / /                \__/   \/        |     \   \___/           \
   /      | |         _    \          _\|/_   |_____/     _         _|_  /
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      \   \_\_______ \_/     \/  \/      ___  |______/   \_    \/|   |   /
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           \_/ \  /\  /\__/  \  /\/          \/\/\/ \      /  \/\_/  \/
                \/  \/        \/                     \____/


                                   No. 2

COW BEAT is published now and then by cDc communications, PO Box 53011,
Lubbock, TX 79453.  Copyright(c) 1992 by cDc communications.  All rights
reserved.  Title COW BEAT and the distinctive "Bob the Cow" logo are ours, and
we'll bust everyone's head who doesn't like them.  All rights to letters sent
to COW BEAT will be treated as unconditionally assigned for publication and
copyright purposes and as subject to COW BEAT's right to edit and to comment
editorially.  Any similarity between persons and places in COW BEAT and any
real persons and places is purely coincidental.  COW BEAT's comments on
pictures, people, trademarks and/or copyrighted material are only its opinion
based solely on those facts disclosed.  COW BEAT's use of such items is not
authorized by the persons named and/or depicted by the trademark or copyright
owners, and no such authorization should be inferred.  All nude models are 12
or older.

                               Editor: Swamp Ratte'


  _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/


Letters to COW BEAT!


Send us letters!  Send us short stories!  Send us pictures!  Send us money!
Send us consumer electronics!  Send us music!  Send send send!

MAIL -

HEY COW BEAT!
     I just wanted to write and tell you and your readers about cool, talented
and sweet Omega.  Today in the mail I got a letter from Omega and a real
autograph!  I just wanted to tell you that cute Omega cares!!
                                             Omega fan in New York

Dear Omega Fan,
     Lucky you!  Omega reportedly gets some 2000 letters a week from
devoted fans.  He must have to stay up nights just to respond to some of them!
Talk about writer's cramp!  Thanks for writing in so we could share this with
our readers - boy, will they envy you!

--

DEAR COW BEAT,
     Hi!  I am 12 years old and my name is Nicole.  I love your mag.  COW BEAT
is so informative!  There is one thing I would like to know.  What is Lady
Carolin going to do now that she's written "Earth Goo?"  Will she write
more files?
                                             Nicole S.
                                             Colorado Springs, CO

Dear Nicole,
     Now that she's finished "Earth Goo" and her files have spread far and
wide across the planet, Lady Carolin has been doing what any superstar who's
just completed such a file would do - rest!  Even while resting, Lady Carolin
has been thinking about new files and you'll get to read her new material which
is due out sometime in 1993!

--

DEAR COW BEAT,
     I have dandruff in my eyebrows.  I've tried dandruff shampoos, but they
haven't worked.  How can I handle this?
                                             Jennifer T.
                                             San Diego, CA

Dear Jennifer,
     What you're looking for is SANDPAPER.  'nuff said.

--

DEAR COW BEAT,
     I love Tequila Willy so, so, so much!  To give you a brief idea of my
feelings - I had a special sweatshirt made with Willsie's name on it, I created
my own Willsie earrings and every time I make pancakes, they spell out Tequila
Willy!  My teacher even calls me Willsie!  I hope someday I can meet Tequila
Willy and the rest of the Willsie family.
                                             Debbie K.
                                             Glendale, AZ

Dear Debbie,
     Great!  That's the spirit!  Now, build a shrine.

--

DEAR COW BEAT,
     I'm a 28-year-old guy, and recently I have begun stealing birth control
pills and eating them.  They give me the weirdest feeling.  I'm beginning to
think I'm addicted.  Is there something wrong with me?
                                             Todd S.
                                             Terra Haute, IN

Dear Todd,
     Man, that's pretty creepy.  Maybe you shouldn't be eating those things?! 
Yeesh....

--

DEAR COW BEAT,
     I go wild whenever I see cDc files and this drives my family crazy!  One
time, my mom caught me kissing printouts of your files; I was mortified!  I
thought my face would be permanently red!  Remember that I love all of you and
please, please, please come to Topeka soon!
                                             Kimberly H.
                                             Topeka, KA

Dear Kimberly,
     A dozen of us are planning a visit soon, and we'll be staying at YOUR
house!  Love ya, babe!  xoxoxo

--

DEAR COW BEAT,
     I'm in the 7th grade and there's this guy at school I like and he seems to
like me too, but once he said he didn't.  My friends say that he really does
like me, but that he's too shy to admit it.  I would at least like to be able
to talk to him like I do all my other friends.  My problem is that i'm too shy
around him and I cant seem to start up a conversation with him to give our
friendship a chance.  How can I start a conversation without being so nervous
and shy?  This way, we could start some sort of relationship.
                                             Chrissy M.
                                             Austin, TX

Dear Chrissy,
     Chrissy, Chrissy Chrissy.  SILLY GIRL!  Offer him some Kool-Aid and let
nature take its course.  Then try some lines from Three's Company, it'll floor
him.  Next....

--

DEAR COW BEAT,
     I'm head over heals in love with The Pusher who wrote "Silent Applause."
He's soo cute!  Last night, I dreamed we went on a date to the beach.  He
kissed me and asked me to be his girlfriend.  Oooh!  It was awesome and soo
romantic!  My goal is to REALLY be his girlfriend.  Pusher, if you're reading
this, thanks for giving me such sweet dreams!
                                             Pam N.
                                             Tampa, FL

Dear Pam,
     We sent your letter over to The Pusher, and he said he was going to have a
really SPECIAL dream about you, too!  Lucky Pam!

--

DEAR COW BEAT,
     I'm 12 years old and I have a big problem.  There's this one girl in my
class who thinks I'm a snot.  This girl says mean things about me to my
friends.  Another thing is that ever since I got my hair cut, everybody seems
to hate me!  Anyway, I don't know this girl that well, but I'd really like to
be friends with her.  Help!
                                             Mike T.
                                             Durango, CO

Dear Mike,
     She thinks you're a snot?  I don't see the problem.  Maybe you lack
resolve.  Don't just let her think you're a snot, make sure she KNOWS you're a
snot.  Ah, youth.

--

DEAR COW BEAT,
     First of all, I'd like to say you're doing an excellent job of keeping me
informed on all the hot stars of telecom.  I'd appreciate it greatly if you'd
please put a picture of this gorgeous, fine, and not to mention sexy, guy
Franken Gibe in your magazine.  His eyes are to die for!  Thanx!

                                             K. Kurt,
                                             Bergenfield, NJ

Dear K. Kurt,
     Hmm.  Well, here ya go.  Knock yerself out.        ____
                                                       /.@@.\
                                                       \  " /
                                                        \_u/

--

DEAR COW BEAT,
     I am an eighteen-year-old high school senior and my older sister Tracy is
my disciplinarian.  Tracy is seven years older than me, and I have been living
with her for the last two years while my parents are on a foreign-work
assignment.  My sister is a Registered Nurse and treats me very well, but she
feels she has every right to warm my tail, as she calls it, if I disobey her or
misbehave.  She doesn't give me a strapping, thank goodness, but her pretty
hand or hairbrush does plenty of justice to my bare behind.  If I misbehave,
she will not hesitate to turn me over her knee, lower my pants and briefs, and
very severely spank my bare butt.  It stings badly too.
     The spankings stings, but the embarrassment of  being over he knee with my
bare behind sticking up is worse.  She frequently has her nurse's uniform on,
so when she puts me over her knee, my genitals cannot avoid rubbing on her
stockings.  It's erotic, to say the least, and it's hard to control myself.

                                             Steve L.
                                             Cherry Hill, NJ

Dear Steve,
     Wow.  That's very special.  Thanks for sharing.

--

DEAR COW BEAT,
     What's up?  My name is Jenny and I am 12 years old.  I love cDc!  I have
394 posters and 42 pins of them.  I love Drunkfux.  I have 220 posters of him
alone.  My best friend, Michelle, has 394 posters too.  She loves Swamp Ratte'.
She cries and faints over Ratte' like I do over Drunkfux.  I love your nose,
Drunkfux, and also about 25 to 30 other things about you.  Michelle loves
Ratte's legs, and about 20 to 25 things about him.  We love cDc.  I love love
love you!  You're the best thing that ever happened to us!

                                             Jenny S.
                                             Moraga, CA

Dear Jenny,
      That's pretty weird.  Maybe you need a hobby?

--

DEAR COW BEAT,
     Hi!  My name is Nicky and I'm 10 years old.  I like your magazine very
much, especially the Letters section.  I truly love Obscure Images.  He is my
dream guy.  Please put more articles about Obscure Images in COW BEAT.
I hate New Kids On The Block, but I LOVE cDc!!
                                             Oi's No. 1 fan,
                                             Nicky G.
                                             Webster, NY

   Note: We get thousands upon thousands of letters similar to this one, and
I'm afraid we can't answer them all!  But thanks for writing, all of you!


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The COW BEAT News Pasture!

     Last time Cultee COUNT ZERO made an appearance at a mall in Florida, 24
fans were injured due to their wild youthful lust.  When he appeared at a
Washington mall, he had to escape in a laundry hamper!  More recently,
thousands of screaming fans turned up at the Cambridgeside Galleria in
Cambridge and the Atrium Mall in Chestnut Hill in Massachusetts to get a
glimpse of their idols; COUNT ZERO, THE DETH VEGETABLE, DAVE FERRET, and WHITE
KNIGHT.  This time around, the gals kept their wits about them and there were
very few injuries reported.
     Before the Cultees arrived at the Atrium Mall, radio DJ Bob Casta reminded
the 5000-plus crowd to make sure they didn't push and shove in their excite-
ment.  There were people on the main mall floor and even more people looking
down over the railings three levels high!  At the Galleria, THE DETH VEGETABLE
and DAVE FERRET arrived on a police jet ski at the Cambridgeside Lagoon.  The
gals started chanting "FERRET!  FERRET!  FERRET!"  Pretty soon, hunky WHITE
KNIGHT and COUNT ZERO arrived too - by helicopter!
     VEGGIE scanned the crowd and pointed to all the posters of himself and
other Cultees.  "Next time, instead of buying those, give that money to the
homeless people of Boston," said VEGGIE with a sweet smile.  "They're the ones
who need it.  And please be careful and watch out for each other on the way
out."  What caring superstars they are!

--

     Okay, you work really hard to be successful, staying up until all hours of
the night writing files, modding your board, persuading the public you've
got what it takes, and then - boom - you're a sensation!  Journalists
peg you for interviews and gals everywhere quiver in your presence.  Add lots
of coffee and drooping pants to this picture and you've got G.A. ELLSWORTH!
     Every morning, girls wait for him to come out of his house just so they
can touch him!  Girls hand him love notes, phone numbers, cards, flowers and
other goodies.  And, of course, G.A. loves it.  What guy wouldn't love all that
attention?!  But, he says, "It doesn't boost my ego.  I'm just glad they like
my work."

--

Responding to allegations concerning their reputation as the GANGSTAZ of
TELECOM, an anonymous cDc spokesperson responds: "Sure, we'd bust caps on a
narc... but we don't support killin' nobody that don't deserve it!"

--

The cDc CULTEES love mixing in with their fans, but due to their overwhelming
popularity, that can sometimes be dangerous.  You know how you are, girls.  If
you saw a CULTEE standing near you, wouldn't you go absolutely nuts?  Sure you
would!!  So, THE NIGHTSTALKER and THE RAVER devised a clever way to mix with
their fans and be perfectly safe at the same time!  All they do is slip into
some wigs, sunglasses and girls' clothes and they can walk right through the
crowds!  Leave it to cDc to find an ingenious solution to ANY problem!


  _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
  ______________________________/advertisement\_______________________________


     If you were to bottle the vibe and aura that is CULT OF THE DEAD COW, what
would it smell like?

     Just like cDc, the scent would have to be fresh, innovative, charming,
cool and totally versatile.

     Kind of like your fave piece of clothing (be it a black jacket or a pair
of jeans) that you can dress-up or dress-down and wear anywhere and everywhere!

     So, back to our original question:

                      What would cDc smell like in a bottle?

     cDc experimented in its secret underground labs and didn't stop until it
had achieved perfection, capturing the flash of cDc as well as the subtleties.

     cDc proudly introduces its newest fragrance - PISS!

     This lively scent mirrors the chic, sophisticated technophile lifestyle of
today's active cyberpunk.  If your nose is twitching with anticipation, look
for cDc's PISS! at fine stores everywhere.

     A totally unsolicited quote: "All I gotta do is dab on a little of cDc's
PISS! before I go out... and man, the hotties come runnin'!  Thanks, cDc!"
                                             -DISPATER, Phrack magazine


                                    cDc's PISS!

                               Fresh!  Now!  Wow!

                    Creating memories to cherish.  You and cDc!


  _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/


COW BEAT VITAL NOTEZ: RACER X, who is very often trailed by hordes of fans when
he's out in public, says he feels like "the Pied Piper." GREENPEACE, a
glamorous member of cDc, the hottest group in telecom, says he honestly can't
understand why people want his autograph!  TARKIN DARKLIGHTER says, "There's no
more just walking down the street, and going somewhere and hanging out with
people.  But it's the price you pay."  RED KNIGHT's fave type of gal?  "An
understanding, sweet, charming girl with a strong personality!"  REID FLEMMING
is a guy who's always in the public eye.  Whether he's attending some gala
event, doing some publicity, going out to dinner, or even just hanging out -
people are constantly looking at him for fashion do's and don't's.  What's
REID's advice?  "Stay away from pastels.  That's about it."  Thanks, REID!


  _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/


Well, that's the end of this SLAMMIN' issue of COW BEAT!  Be sure and watch
for the next DOPE edition, with the 411 on all your FAVE telecom HUNKSTERS!


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                        Encyclopedia Brown Does It Again!
                                by Andrew Solberg


     It was raining again, and from the safety of his garage Encyclopedia Brown
frowned at the precipitation. "Who's going to visit our detective business in
this weather?" he fumed.
 
     Sally had to agree.  She was the prettiest girl in their grade, and was
also the toughest.  Many was the time that Bugs Meany regretted ever having
crossed Sally in one of her cases.  Encyclopedia was the brains behind their
operation, possessing the keen memory and sharp mental skills that his nickname
implied, but Sally was the muscle; bullies had learned to steer clear of the
pair when they were on a job.

     Suddenly, Pee-Wee Weatherby ran up the driveway.  Soaked to the skin, the
pudgy second-grader approached the overturned wooden crate that served as the
agency's desk and plunked down a scratched-up quarter.  "I've got a job for
you," he declared firmly.

     Encyclopedia pocketed the quarter.  "No case too small," he announced.
"What's the scoop, Pee-Wee?"

     "That bad old Bugs Meany has sold a bunch of us on a plan to recycle
newspapers.  We were all to contribute a dollar to get the business started.
Bugs said that we could earn $2.50 a week once the plan got underway.  Well,
it's been two weeks now, and we haven't seen any of our money!  We asked Bugs
to give us our stakes back, but he said he couldn't do that.  I want my dollar
back!"

     Sally patted Pee-Wee across the desk.  "Don't worry, Pee-Wee.  The
Encyclopedia Brown Detective Agency is on the job!"

     "That's right, Sally," said Encyclopedia.  "Now, Pee-Wee, can you tell us
where Bugs is hanging out?"

     Soon the rain stopped, and the trio biked over to the abandoned lot on
Jefferson Street.  A pile of scrap metal and boards formed a ramshackle
club-house.  Hanging on the door was a crudely-lettered sign reading:

                                  PAPER RECYCLING
                           NEWSPRINT, CARDBOARD, SCRAP
                                    CASH PAID

     Below it was another sign reading:

                          CLOSED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE

     Lounging in front of the clubhouse was a very bored-looking Bugs Meany. 
He was an older boy with a Jughead crown hat and a nasty sneer.  He hated
Encyclopedia Brown for his interference in his previous schemes, but he feared
Sally and her terrible fists.  As the three kids approached, Bugs looked a
little nervous.  However, he soon relaxed and looked down his nose at the
younger children.

     "Welcome to my place of business, ladies and gentlemen!" Bugs announced in
a sarcastic voice.  "Would you like to trade in your newspapers for cash?  Gee,
I'm really sorry, but our business folded, and I don't know when we'll be back
on our feet."  He regarded the trio with a saucy smile.

     "You dirty rat!" shouted Sally.  "You're robbing kids of their money for
your business and not giving them anything in return!  I'll bet you never did
one minute of work at recycling!"  Sally menaced Bugs with her fists; Bugs
quickly recoiled.

     Encyclopedia Brown surveyed the yard.  The grass had grown very tall and
green.  Next to the clubhouse was a wheelbarrow, partially filled with old
newspapers.  There were several ruts cutting across the abandoned lot.  They
were all of uniform depth.

     Bugs was shouting back at Sally: "That's not true!  I had a legitimate
business going!  I would bring newspapers, cardboard boxes, and other paper
scrap to the recycling center!  They paid me cash; I was going to distribute
it to my shareholders as soon as I showed a profit!  I invested their stake in
that wheelbarrow, but then the recycling center closed!  Now I can't repay the
stake; otherwise I would - honest!"  He favored Sally with a smug smile.

     Encyclopedia Brown stepped up to Bugs and picked something off his shirt. 
He held it up for all to see.  It looked like a scrap of greenish ribbon.
Encyclopedia Brown smiled.

     Bugs Meany frowned.  "So what?  What does that prove?  It doesn't mean
anything.  I'm innocent, and you can't prove otherwise."

     "You're wrong," said Encyclopedia quietly.  "You're guilty, and you're
going to return that money right now.  You see, Bugs, you made one small
mistake."

                             WHAT WAS BUGS' MISTAKE?
                                   (see below)


     Bugs' mistake was meeting the Brown Detective Agency alone.

     Sally held Bugs down and sodomized him with a power drill.  By the time
she had worked her way up to the three-eighths-inch bit, Bugs was in a
talkative mood.  Encyclopedia Brown elicited the appropriate confession and
obtained a full refund for the other kids.  Sometimes, not having a shred of
evidence is no obstacle for a real sleuth.

Encyclopedia Brown does it again!

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IRC MANUAL FOR LOVE: V 1.0

     Written by Steve Franklin, 11:01, July 22,1992

How to succeed with love and flirting on irc:

Be a girl.
-----------------------------------------------------------

IRC MANUAL FOR LOVE V. 2.0 (corrects a few bugs, and adds new features)

    Written by Steve Franklin, 11:02, July 22, 1992

How to succeed with love and flirting on irc:

Be a girl.

Start a channel called #hotsexforpervertswhoare10inchersormore.

/msg guys who have names like hugeone, manly, bigbody, or worse.

Figure out exactly what your dimensions should be...

Don't remind the fellow you are flirting with that he is actually a geek.

NEVER ask the question "if you're so great, being so smart, incredibly good
looking, a sports jock, and piano virtuoso (THOR!), then how come you're on
irc 18 hours a day?"

Become one with irc lingo - this includes annoying smileys (8), ;) :) >:) ),
flowers ( &>--`/--), yecky sweetness (*hugs*, *grin*, *smile*) etc...

Tell him you're glad he's so attractive but that it doesn't really matter
anyway, and even if he was short, ugly, and overweight it wouldn't matter.
(Warning, he may at this point admit that he truly is, shorty, ugly and
overweight.)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

IRC MANUAL FOR LOVE V. 3.0 (patch for manual Version 2.0)
     Written by Steve Franklin, 11:06, July 22, 1992

How to succeed with love and flirting on irc:

For men who insist on maintaining masculinity and not stooping to female
imitation:

Consider flirting with other males.  There are few females on IRC and many of
them are actually other males who are already familiar with Version 2.0 of the
IRC-for-Love manual.

Choose a nick like "sensitive" or "ILoveKids" or "NotAGeek"

Basically, you want to choose a nick that will make you stand out as a nice
guy.  Don't try anything dumb like "BigMan", "Stamina" or "SuperMan", because
these will inevitably attract those who are already familiar with Version 2.0
of the IRC-For-Love manual and are not truly female, but female
impersonators...

Say that you like to cry.  Remember, you're a 90's man!

Recite poetry.

Slip in the fact that you can bench press 803.5 lbs.

Tell her you have a GPA of 4.9

You are a god-fearing religious individual (remember, the bad girls are
actually MEN!)

Tell her you can cook.

Tell her you like your women unattractive.  Pretty girls are so vain and
boring.

Start your own channel called #GoodBoysLikeFun, but shorten it up a bit to
something easier to type.  Yeah, try #GBLF.  Warning, other individuals who
read this manual may have already started #GBLF so be patient and wait your
turn.
----------------------------------------------------------------

IRC MANUAL FOR LOVE V. 3.1 (patch for manual Version 3.0)
     Written by Steve Franklin, 11:11, July 22, 1992

How to succeed with love and flirting on irc:

You can't.  It's lame, pathetic, and utterly unsuccessful.  After a vote taken
among important members of the IRC clan, it has been discovered that 100% frown
upon any sort of amorous activities.  Get a real relationship, but never settle
for an irc facsimile.  You don't know what you're dealing with, and it isn't
really worth your time.

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                               "It's a K-Rad Thing"
                               by Swamp Ratte'/cDc

     So here I am... 3 am, kitchen.  Sitting at counter, pouring some cereal,
making a mess with the milk.  TV's on, Paula Abdul on MTV.  She keeps claiming
she's "in a funky way," but I know I'm funkier 'cause I haven't showered yet.
Nobody's funkier than me.  No white boy, anyhow.  Man, check out Paula's
cleavage.  Praise be to whomever invented the push-up bra.  Think I'd like to
stuff my face amongst her breasts and make duckie noises.  Better yet, Debbie
Gibson.  Yeah, she could tongue my navel and fix me some orange juice (fresh,
from concentrate) any day.  I bet her breasts wiggle oh-so-attractively when
she shakes a juice pitcher.  One container of orange juice glop, three
containers full of water.  The magic formula.  Shake well before serving.
Go Debbie, go.  Shake that pitcher.  Shake Your Love.

     I'm getting an erection but I can't deal with that now.  I've got cereal
to eat.  BEFORE IT GETS SOGGY.

     Right.  So I try to take my mind off Miss Gibson's perkily heaving
mammaries and move my attention back to my not-just-for-breakfast-anymore food
product.  My cereal, you ask?  Alpha Bits.  Choice of py00ter geeks everywhere.
 Alpha Bits cereal consists of little brown wheat-things shaped like the
numbers 0 through 9, and these small marshmallows in the shape of letters A
through F.  Hexadecimal, ya know?  A lot of cyberpunks are into this thing
called Marshmallow HEX now, made from these Alpha Bits marshmallows which are
laced with a stimulant and hallucinogen.  It sounds kinda like ice, but doesn't
turn you into a raging psychopath.  It's more of an "enthused trip," sorta.

     Anyhow, there are bunches o' t-files out on making Marshmallow HEX so I
won't go into it here.  On the back of the cereal box are hex and ASCII charts
so the kiddies can get off by spelling obscene words in their bowls in hex.
It's a great way to start your day.  Hey hey.  I should get paid for the rhymes
I've made.  Another reason why Alpha Bits is so popular amongst py00ter types,
as is Special K, is that it's fortified... with Vitamin K.  Vitamin K is
important to keep you k-rad and out of that lamerosity slump that can drag you
down.  Yeah, a well-balanced breakfast is important and never let it be said
that I skimp on nutrition, including the full day's supply of Vitamin K I get
with my Alpha Bits.  Just ask any other elite types and they'll tell you too...
Vitamin K is the way to start out a totally elite day.  Let me rephrase that:
"vITAmiN K! iZ ThA waYYE t0 stARtEZz 0UT A t0tALlye EL8! dAY!!!!1!"

     I've gotta keep my k-ness up 'cause I don't want any shit coming down on
me from DemonSeed Elite.  If you still don't know the deal with DemonSeed
Elite, then listen up.  People don't like to talk about him/it much, 'cause
it's such a heavy subject... like a giant cow hanging over your head, ready to
drop at any slip up you make.  Or in this case, a monster truck.

     Rumor is, that back in the late 1970s-early '80s, DSE was a user who
achieved Maximum K-rad Eliteness at which point his soul merged with the global
telecom network.  DemonSeed Elite was no longer just a person, but an entity
residing in the cables and satellite links of the network.  He is AT&T, he is
Internet, he is SouthWestern Bell, he is Smilin' Uncle Dudley's Child Pokin'
BBS across town.  He is your phone.  He is the spy satellites which orbit above
our heads.  He knows when you've been sleeping and he knows when you're awake.
And he takes any sign of lameness on his networks as a personal insult.
To speak his real name is to die.  Lamers and r0dents all face his wrath.
No one has seen him dealing out his vengeance, or been alive afterwards to tell
about it, but it will come.  Believe that.

     All we can do is make assumptions from the wretched remains.  A thirteen-
year-old with his intestines ripped out; fiberoptic cables twisted tightly
around the pulp of what was once his frontal lobe.  The young geek's forehead
was branded "k-lame", the words still sizzling in his freshly seared flesh when
he was found bleeding to death on the floor of his bedroom.  His monitor still
glowed with the ominous text, "C U L8R!", upon signing off to his friend he had
been chatting with over the modem.  His pal suffered a similar fate.

     Entire user groups have been found at their meetings hung from the rafters
with coaxial cable, their bodies swollen and blue as they swung gently in the
hushed roar of the air conditioning system.

     DemonSeed Elite, in his physical manifestation, is said to prefer
travelling in a giant orange monster truck with tires 30 feet high and 30 feet
wide.  The accuracy of these monster truck descriptions may leave something to
be desired since the witnesses were pissing their pants at the time of
observance... though the monster truck theory is consistent with some reports
of death.  On several occasions, groups of r0dents were found squashed flat as
they crossed a parking lot or open field.  The only clue to the cause of their
sudden flatness was giant tread marks all over their bodies.  It's as if a
large truck fell from the sky and crushed them into a 2-D state, then
disappeared!

     Now you can believe this, take heed, and watch out for yourself or not.
Hey, it's your life.  But as for me, I'm gonna get on with eating my Alpha
Bits.  I'm no fool.  No siree.

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                             "Live From XmasCon 1991"

     This file was created at the second annual HoHoCon during the night of
December 28th through to the next morning in Houston, Texas.  A laptop computer
with a text editor was passed around the rooms and out in the hallway where a
dozen or so mostly wasted con people sat on the floor brainstorming and the
following file is the result.  Fourteen major telecom guys contributed to this
file which probably makes it a first as a group effort file not written over a
network.  It's almost entirely raw and unedited to try and get the spirit of
the HoHoCon across with all the spelling mistakes and lack of punctuation
intact.  I know I speak for everyone there who travelled some pretty long
distances in saying that we had a great time.  Heaps o' thanks to Drunkfux and
everyone else who organized the event, we appreciate it.  My comments will be
in double brackets ([[]]).
                                             -Swamp Ratte'/cDc

So here we go:


[HAY!#!#@ THIZ WUZ MY IDEEA!!@!! MYNE AWL MYNE!!$!#!!1!] - |\r|_|nKfUx
                                                           |/

Ho Ho Con 91...


Staring:

Crimson Death as Terminal Illness:  Sysop of Cyberwaste

Count Zero as co-conspiritor with Crimson Death and creator of the
name "Cyberwaste" and bearer of the Demonseed remote scam-cam.

Morpheus as the crazed inventor of the K-RAD cyber drug Marshmellow HEX, the
drug  of choice for BellCore employees across America.

Doc Cypher: Imperial gizzard and sheriff of !ingham, Marshmellow HE>< junkie
extrordinairre.

Holistic Hacker, Jolt and coremonger, ceo erptech transplanetary


[[Other people who contributed but didn't write a little blurb thing about
themselves above (in order): Erik Bloodaxe, Judge Dredd, Dispater, White
Knight, Swamp Ratte', G.A. Ellsworth, Arch Angel, and Lord MacDuff.]]


HAY!%@!!1!!!!!1 PHUK U D00DURZ IN DA CYBURB00TY!@!! DIZ IZ EL8 DRUNKPHUX
AN U DIDNT PUTZ MY GNAME IN DA GREETZ N PREEZENTURZ S0Z U KAN GET CYBURSKREWED.
IF IT WUZNT 4 MEE THIZ PHLYUR W00DNT EVUN EXEZT. I ZTARTUD IT AWL AN ITZ MY
PHYL U LEECHUZ.. U GUYZ R JUZT JELUZ KUZ U GN0 I M EL8 AN U GUYZ R SUM
D0RKURZ!@!!! ITZ MY PHYL.. I R0AT IT..ME ME ME ME!!!@!! I STARTUD THA FYLE, I
STARTUD CDC, I 0WN DEM0N SEAD, I RUNZ CYBURWAYZT, I M PREZ 0F BLAK SEPTIMBURR,
I ENVENTED DA HEXX-ASKEE CHARTUR, EY PH0UND THA HEX MARSHMALL0W, I SKREWED THA
GIRLEE DANZURZ, I PR0GRAHM IN UNIX, I L00KZ LYK NELZ0N, I G0TZ DA T000TZE
R0HL HATUR, I BUILTZ THA PAZLEE B0X, I KARDUD KLIFF ST0LL K00KEEZ, DA BLAYD
IZ MY PHRENDUR, I SP0NS0RD DIZ K0N.. I DID IT AWL AN U GUYZ R MAD KUZ U KANT
B MEE!@!$#@!!! IF U D0NTZ PUTZ MY NAMUR HAREZ 0N DA PHYLUR THAN I M G0NA
BLAKLIZT U L0ZURZ AN GETZ ZUM CBIZ 0N YER T0LLZ AN GIVZ U METR0 2 GETZ THA
CREDITUR INPH0 2 BLAKLIZTZ U CUZ I M G0NA BLAKLIZTZ U KUZ U DIDUNT PUTZ MY
HANDLUR 0N DA PHYLUR KUZ I WR0TE IT AN IT WUZ MY IDEEA AN KUZ I DID IT AN
STARTUD ITZ S0ZE U DIDNTZ PUTZ MY NAMUR 0N IT AN I AM G0NA BLAKLIZTURZ U GUYZ 4
N0T PUTEENG MY NAMUR 0N IT!!@!!@! S0 THAREZ!$#!#$ U HAVE BEN HERF0RT0BE4WARNDUD
ANU SH00D BEWAREZ!#$@$#! I KANT B WR0NG.. I M EL8#$!$#$@!!!!!11!!!! 0 YEH..
DID I MENCHUN DAT DIZ WUZ EL8 DRUNKPHUX 0F M0D AN BSEPT?!@!@ KUZ IT IZ..AN I
M G0NA BLAKLIZT U 4 N0T SAYEENG MY NAMUR 0N DA PHYL U GEEKZTURZ.


[[...and Drunkfux.]]


Phrack Classsic : PROPHILE : 0/\/\aR!!!1!!


Crimson Death: hOW LONG HAVE YOU looked like Cliff Stoll, Omar?

Doc Cypher: Fuck You. I don't want that in there.

CDeath: What do you think of Scot?

DCypher: Scot's a nice, he's a great guy, but don't leave him alone with your
daughter and a box cutter.

[Switching to Chris Goggans of MOD.]

CDeath: How long have you been programming in Unix?

DCypher: Bruce Sterling introduced me into programming Unix. I was fascinated
to learn that there were no people at the SS who knew how to program in Unix.

CDeath: Chris, what's in the future for MOD?

CG: Soap on a rope.

CDeath: Any closing comments?

DCypher: Watch your ass around coredumps. Tell your friends to leave the room
when you feel an 8 or 9 megger coming on.

CG: It's time for some more water.

DCypher: I look forward to more Matrix Coredump.  Experience the cyberfuture.

Omar: Gunnar!

Fat Boy Crimson Death: Hey Gunnar.  Gunnar's got my terminal.

[[Joke explanation: Drunkfux resembles the Nelson twins 'cause of his long
straight blonde hair.  Gunnar is the name of one of the Nelsons.  Get?  Got.]]

Bruce Sterling: Who stole my Unix programming manual?

World View Staff: Nobody, Bruce.  You left it in the Cyberspace Matrix.

Count Zero: Chow down on some cyber-snackage....  Ruffles have cyber-ridges.

Judge Dredd: Terminal Illness is my cyber-friend.

Dispater: Call Speed Cyberwaste Elite / World H.q  1000's of Viruses and Dust
Motes that are about 3 microns thick and bombard your eyes.  Anyway the sysop
is Terminal Ilness!!!!!!!!

Drunkfux: And here's where you find the and uh, ok... So uh, this is the uh,
and this is...the...uh...deal.

White Knight: Leena kept asking me, over and over, 'What happened to Kilo? 
After the paint meeting, he was gone....'

Swamp Ratte': Monster Trucks!!!!  g0 WiTH iT!

Holistic: My name is John, and I'm a caffine abuser.

Crimson Death: Every new handle change comes with a complementary issue of
Phrack.

Steve (lawyer): ...and let's talk now about CIVIL LIBERTIES!

Crimson Death: Cyberwaste -- The only BBS with 5 gigs of monster truck gifs,
and sponsoring Demon Seed Elite the big bad ass of cyberhell monster
truckdom... god protect us all from dust motes...

G.A. Ellsworth: The only monster truck that can box Alliance.

Broadway Hacker: Too bad The Blade didn't show, I wanted to fuck
him up the butt... by the way...  hows your balls?!??

Morpheus  Check out CYBERWASTE!  Now sponsoring the one and only
alt.monstertrucks moderated by Terminal Illness.  Now time to get cyberwasted
on dustmotes..

L.E. Pirate: ..phuk cDc in tha b00teez!! blAk sEptEbuR bak an on da rize g!
werd 2 ya mutha..  swamp ratte = phag kween.. bsept in 92!!!!1!!1!!

K0dez kidz: The strippers are here!

[[File interrupted for herds of con people running down the hall looking for
naked girlies.]]

Stripper: Oh my gawd!
Translated: "I'm not taking my clothes off for a buncha COMPUTER GEEKS!"

[phAnt0m t0aSt]

HAY!@!!!!#%!$%!1 AWLRYTURZ!@!! THIZ IZ A
LYVUR KEWL TEXT PHYLUR PHR0M KEWL
H0ZH0ZK0NZ YVUR IN DA SYBURSPACUR
MATRIXZ!!@! HAREZ SUM 0F DA EL8 INPH0
WEV K-SNAGUD PHR0M DA K0N!@!!!!!!

OKAZE LYK PHAZE!!!@! PHIRZT SUM PRYVATUR
INPHOZE ON DA GNU PIZA B0XUR..

PHUKNA!!%@!^%$!^% DAREZ SUM STRIPPURZZZ
HARE!@&^%!&^ GN0 WAY!@&^! WAT SHUD I
DOO??!! WAREZ MY KEE.. G0TTZ GET
0FFLYNURZ..2 MUCH 4 MEE..

Doc Cypher: I'm sorry but those dancers were 2 of the ugliest beasts I've ever
seen in my life.

Lord MacDuff: Ho Ho Ho's.

G.A. Ellsworth: Smells like Teen Spirit...

New Prophile... Erik Bloodaxe.

Chris, what did you think of those rad dancers?

Erik Bloodaxe: Made me wish I had charged up my cattle prod.

Doc Cypher: I wish I brought my box cutter personally.

Arch Angel: Did I see a fat girl dancing on the table?  With huge porcupine
tits sagging?  She was going, 'Hey big boy!@!!!.'

Swamp Ratte': I gave one of them money when they were done, and they didn't
even have to squirm all over me.  I'm such a nice guy.

Erik Bloodaxe: I'm a lot more entertained now, Omar.  About 3 hours ago I was
a lot less entertained. 

Doc Cypher: There's a bunch of drug crazed lemmings out there!

Hunter: Ok, give me credit for getting the titty girls...  Say my board is the
k-raddest in Houston.  Who's got drugs, the strippers' hamster wants to O.D.

Erik Bloodaxe: Well, gee, I've gotta piss... there's probably some traces
(of drugs) in there if they want them.  What exactly is this masterpiece you've
been working on?  Blackmail... that's what it is!

Count Zero: I've died and gone to Hell.  I'm sitting in a hotel room where
the maid never comes and I'm listening to disco.

Arch Angel: I took a serious coredump today... didn't take too much processing.

Lord MacDuff to Arch A.: It was obvious you had a couple of beers last night.

Holistic Hacker: So,Omar... what did you think of those bAbeolOusous dAnzurZ?

Drunkfux was the hit with the good looking ones... chicks dig Nelson.  If
Dispater hadn't paid them, they'd all be sucking his dick right now.

Arch Angel: Hey... the fat one knocked over the radio.

We were at least going to be economical about it....  I had it down to 10
people for 3 hits of acid... in Gunnar's suite.

Lord Macduff: THIS lasted for 2 hours?

Arch Angel: It looked like the Wizard of Oz here... with all the fingers
pointing.

We were talking about Alpha Bits with Hex Marshmallows... and on the back
you've got a hex-ascii converter.

Count Zero: Demonseed is everywhere, yet nowhere...it is everything, yet
nothing, but maybe just a bunch of little things....

Something that even virtually reality could entice..or even begin to describe
this fiasco of cyber whores from the matrix that have been beckenforthed..

Doc Cypher: Hey, we've started a new group.  Kult of the Dead K0dez.

Swamp Ratte': Yeah, kDk.  We're so elite, we know everything there is to know
about everything, so we sit around talking about butterflies and rainbows.
It's beautiful, man.  Rad as rad can be.  Wave o' the future.

Holistic Hacker: Just remember... this is not your father's HoHoCon.

4:44am - Omar lost his mind.  DemonSeed woke up and gained more power.

[Drunkfux]..(wait a second..I wrote all that 2!!!1!!)

Drunkfux: I feel the need for a song. abstract, of course.

------------------------------------------------

Tawk tawk tawking bout sum cyber stuff
Like Demon Roach's new Monster Truck sub
Matrix hoppin we will go
In search of the hex marshmallow
Come now, come now, do not pace
We're off to call cyberwaste
The new beast known as demon seed
Run over your head and make you bleed
Decryption of the message I soon will start
For I have the hex-ascii chart
Fat, skanky dancers running all around
Wonder how many STD's Dispater has now
What made me sick was the one's hairy mole
Did I mention that Omar looks like Cliff Stoll
Bruce taught me how to program in Unix and Hack C
Omar had his picture taken with E.T.
This is it.. I must go..
I may finish later.. I don't know

-------------------------------------------------

The Summoning of Demon Seed...

Blackness was all around in the Hilton parking lot... the power was strong and
we knew Demon Seed Elite might appear any second from the power of pre-puberty
crazed glangular overactive k0dez kids... a hush fell over the parking lot and
we suddenly felt irritated for some reason -- yes we knew that tonite WAS the
nite for the coming of Demon Seed Elite.

A herd of K0dez kids wandered by in search of K-rad cyber-strippers.  In a
flash of blue light and clouds of 10 micron dust motes, Demon Seed Elite
materialized.  It's blazing CGA monitors flashing with menace, it descended on
the nerdlings with fury....

The beams shot forth from the blazing monitors searing the flesh of the huddled
masses.  The first casualty was a gangly young codester, twitchintg with the
expectations of the looming nudity.  The firey beams struck him at the base of
his spine, ripping flesh from bone, sending a shower of blood over the
remainaing hacking horde.  The energy expuled from the first kill powered on
the energy seeking transformer of Demon Seed.  The k0dez kids cried out in
escatsy knowing that cheezy motel porn was no more in their bloodthirst for fat
sleezy cybernetic whores.  They had a bigger thing to worry about right now -
it is Demon Seed Elite.

As the k-rad K00L smoke cleared, Demon Seed Elite appeared...again...  The
drolls of the M0D special issue cybernetic cotton gin's drolls permeated the
cybernetic battlefield...with dung...cybernetic dung: the dung of the
Demon Seed.

The thousands of pixels which made the eye of the Cyberwaste cast its watchful
gaze on the terrain some 6,700,000 miles below, methodologically scanning the
payphones of the known universe for the brief flash of a KaLl1Ng KaRD!!11!1!

Yet we have not taken the time to discuss the true meaning of Demon Seed, for
he has the untmost pirating cabilities... Demon Seed needs no ratio or time
limit for everyone knows the k-rad warez of the future that sp00geD out of the
bed of Demon Seed... for he has the power to travel into the future and get
games that have yet to be created in our present time...

Then the EELYTE surviors beheld to our surprise and delight
Clifford Stoll himself sat in the passenger seat, cluthing a pipe
His hands were all shaking, just like a speed freak
He spit when he laughed, and we called him a geek
"It's the COOKIES!" he exclaimed, "Not the speed or the blow"
"Don't end up like me!  Please, just say no!"
The truck rattled and shook, the license plate read "K-K00L"
As it drove away, all we could do was sit, gape, and drool.

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     "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or
prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or
of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition
the Government for a redress of grievances."
                        -- Amendment I to the Constitution of the United States


     "No, I don't know that atheists should be considered as citizens, nor
should they be considered as patriots."
                        -- Republican Presidential Nominee (1988) George Bush


     "...where true brotherhood existed among all colors, where no one felt
segregated, where there was no "superiority" complex, no "inferiority" complex
- then voluntarily, naturally, people of the same kind felt drawn together by
that which they had in common."
                        -- Malcolm X, referring to a 1964 pilgrimage to Mecca


               You can get with this, or you can get with that.
                             What's it gonna be?

                              cDc wants to know.

     _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _
    ((___)) ((___)) ((___)) ((___)) ((___)) ((___)) ((___)) ((___)) ((___))
    [ x x ] [ x x ] [ x x ] [ x x ] [ x x ] [ x x ] [ x x ] [ x x ] [ x x ]
     \   /   \   /   \   /   \   /   \   /   \   /   \   /   \   /   \   /
     (' ')   (' ')   (' ')   (' ')   (' ')   (' ')   (' ')   (' ')   (' ')
      (U)     (U)     (U)     (U)     (U)     (U)     (U)     (U)     (U)

     "Though government certainly uses technology to oppress, the evil lies not
in the tools but in the wielder of the tools.  In fact, technology represents
one of the most promising avenues available for re-capturing our freedoms from
those who have stolen them.  By its very nature, it favors the adaptable (who
are quick to see the merit of the new, over the sluggish (who cling to time-
tested ways).  And what two better words are there to describe government
bureaucracy than 'dull' and 'sluggish'?"

     _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _
    ((___)) ((___)) ((___)) ((___)) ((___)) ((___)) ((___)) ((___)) ((___))
    [ x x ] [ x x ] [ x x ] [ x x ] [ x x ] [ x x ] [ x x ] [ x x ] [ x x ]
     \   /   \   /   \   /   \   /   \   /   \   /   \   /   \   /   \   /
     (' ')   (' ')   (' ')   (' ')   (' ')   (' ')   (' ')   (' ')   (' ')
      (U)     (U)     (U)     (U)     (U)     (U)     (U)     (U)     (U)

     "Risks, an internet mailing list, reported about a week ago on a proposal
by Dr. Dorothy Denning, one of the most prominent people in the field of
cryptography, that copies of all private encryption keys associated with public
key cryptographic systems be held, effectively by the government, to permit
them to read people's encrypted messages to each other.
     Many have noted that the dawning of cheap and effective cryptographic
systems could spell the end of the ability of governments to invade people's
privacy. Unfortunately, it appears that the government and its cronies have
also realized this, and intend to take preemptive action. Our notion of civil
rights has decayed so far that it is now considered a citizen's duty to not
merely be quiet while he is enslaved but to actively cooperate with his own
enslavement. Not merely must we put up with the indignity of the government
being granted the right to read our papers and communications to each other,
but now it is suggested that we ordinary citizens must personally cooperate to
make it easier for them to read our communications."

     _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _
    ((___)) ((___)) ((___)) ((___)) ((___)) ((___)) ((___)) ((___)) ((___))
    [ x x ] [ x x ] [ x x ] [ x x ] [ x x ] [ x x ] [ x x ] [ x x ] [ x x ]
     \   /   \   /   \   /   \   /   \   /   \   /   \   /   \   /   \   /
     (' ')   (' ')   (' ')   (' ')   (' ')   (' ')   (' ')   (' ')   (' ')
      (U)     (U)     (U)     (U)     (U)     (U)     (U)     (U)     (U)

     "One passage from the Pledge of Allegiance struck me as a youth as being
the true strength of my government.  This passage requires me to protect my
country and the Constitution for which it stands from all enemies, both foreign
and domestic.
     I think those who would give too much power to the government have not
said their pledge in a long time.  It says that my country is fully behind the
aims of the Constitution and that I as a member of that country have been given
the duty to disolve the government by force if reguired when the government
becomes an enemy of the people who enacted the Constitution.  Implicit in
that duty is the call to those aims without regard to the laws the errant
government may have enacted or protections removed.
     To those ends my government is not allowed to prevent me from meeting
with others who may feel that the government has gone bad.  I am allowed to
keep my COMMUNICATIONS private.  In order to defend my country from a bad
government as well as other threats I am allowed to keep and bear arms.
     To the end of individual protection of the right to privacy, the
individual must secure that privacy through any means available.  The
government must not prevent the individual from using encryption to secure
their right to privacy.
     Because my government is an extension of the people of my country, when
my government starts protecting itself from those very same people it must have
placed the government above the Constitution and the will of the people. 
Suggestions like requiring the registration of encryption keys speak to how
close some parts of the US government have come to being for itself and not for
the people."


               Welcome to Tha GnU W0rlD 0RdeR v0.92beta
                          Tha GnU W0rlD 0RdeR v0.92beta
                          Tha GnU W0rlD 0RdeR v0.92beta
                          Tha GnU W0rlD 0RdeR v0.92beta

                           "Did you fucking GET IT?!"

     _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _
    ((___)) ((___)) ((___)) ((___)) ((___)) ((___)) ((___)) ((___)) ((___))
    [ x x ] [ x x ] [ x x ] [ x x ] [ x x ] [ x x ] [ x x ] [ x x ] [ x x ]
     \   /   \   /   \   /   \   /   \   /   \   /   \   /   \   /   \   /
     (' ')   (' ')   (' ')   (' ')   (' ')   (' ')   (' ')   (' ')   (' ')
      (U)     (U)     (U)     (U)     (U)     (U)     (U)     (U)     (U)

Numb : 35/40
Subj : .
From : Sunspot (#192)
Date : 04/08/89 01:24:02 AM

Here's something VERY interesting for everyone in cDc!!  Today I got a phone
call (on my board line, I picked it up) from someone who wouldn't identify
himself.  He started by saying that I was in major trouble.  I was wondering
who it was, and then he finally mentioned cDc and he said that he and the
association he's with ("... extremely underground, you will never be able to
find us") is against the "sick trash that your group puts out, and it is
insulting" or some shit like that.  Then he continued, "We do not like the fact
that your members are sympathetic to certain people."  I started going into
this long statement about freedom of speech, and then he started threatening
everyone.  He said that he could shut us down within 48 hours and that anyone
who didn't drop out was in major trouble, including their families.  So I
asked, how do you expect to do that?  He said they have "very high connections"
or something.  He wouldn't tell me who he was, he only said that he has a shell
account on DRU and that many people use it often.


                       So behold, the cultural jihad...


                      (__)                             (__)
                      xx )                             ( xx
                      |_/\         ___________         /\_|
                                  /  |  |  |  |
                                 /|  |  | _|__|_
    MOTHERFUCKER!               / |  |  ||      \              MOTHERFUCKER!
    take control                | |__|__||___   |              take control
    MOTHERFUCKER!               |               |              MOTHERFUCKER!
    take control                 \             /               take control
    MOTHERFUCKER!                 \           /                MOTHERFUCKER!
    take control                   |         |                 take control
               _   _               |RIGHT ARM|             _   _
              ((___))              |         |            ((___))
              [ x x ]                                     [ x x ]
               \   / * righteous anger is the best anger * \   /
               (' ')                                       (' ')
                (U)                                         (U)


     "The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear
arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in
government."            -- Thomas Jefferson


          Yeah, but are you truly *DOWN* with this, you "cyberpunk"?
                           Do you have the vision?

                              cDc wants to know.

     _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _
    ((___)) ((___)) ((___)) ((___)) ((___)) ((___)) ((___)) ((___)) ((___))
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     \   /   \   /   \   /   \   /   \   /   \   /   \   /   \   /   \   /
     (' ')   (' ')   (' ')   (' ')   (' ')   (' ')   (' ')   (' ')   (' ')
      (U)     (U)     (U)     (U)     (U)     (U)     (U)     (U)     (U)

14/16:
Name: Roberta #28
Date: Thu Mar 23 14:36:00 1989

I still haven't figured out the Dead Cow thing.  What am I missing?  Do you 
have to be a "freak" to be a part?  What is it like on the inside?


15/16: sorry
Name: Lord Drinian #33
Date: Tue Mar 28 10:19:17 1989

everybody.  i didn't mean to start such an uproar.  last year i knew of 
someone that belonged to the cult of the dead cow.  they are a bunch of 
goobers that kill cows and worship them.  if that's not a freak, i don't know 
what is.
                         <<< Lord Drinian >>>


16/16: Why would 
Name: Roberta #28
Date: Fri Mar 31 16:21:32 1989

a cult to worship dead cows, use computers to communicate?  Sounds a little 
funny to me.  Keeps you guessing, just the way they probably like it.

     _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _
    ((___)) ((___)) ((___)) ((___)) ((___)) ((___)) ((___)) ((___)) ((___))
    [ x x ] [ x x ] [ x x ] [ x x ] [ x x ] [ x x ] [ x x ] [ x x ] [ x x ]
     \   /   \   /   \   /   \   /   \   /   \   /   \   /   \   /   \   /
     (' ')   (' ')   (' ')   (' ')   (' ')   (' ')   (' ')   (' ')   (' ')
      (U)     (U)     (U)     (U)     (U)     (U)     (U)     (U)     (U)

====
NEWS RELEASE                          Immediate 3/18/92

PEDOPHILIA, COMPUTERS AND CHILDREN

     If you have children in your home and a home computer complete with a
telephone modum, you [sic] child is in potential danger of coming in contact
with deviate and dangerous criminals.
     Using the computer modum [sic], these unsavory individuals can communicate
directly with your child without your knowledge.  Just as importantly, you
should be concerned if your child has a friendship with other youth who have
access to this equipment in an unsupervised environment.
     Using a computer and a modum your child can readily access community
"bulletin boards" and receive sexually explicit and graphic material from total
strangers who can converse with your children, individuals you quite probably
wouldn't even talk with.
     The concern becomes more poignant when stated otherwise; would you let a
child molester, murderder, convicted criminal into your home to meet alone with
your child?
     According to Fresno Police Detective Frank Clark, "Your child can be in
real danger from pedophiles, rapists, satanic cultists and other criminals
known to be actively engaged in computer conversation.  Unwittingly, naive
children with a natural curiosity can be victimized; emerging healthy sexual
feelings of a child can be subverted into a twisted unnatural fetish affecting
youth during a vulnerable time in their lives."
     "It is anticipated that parents, when armed with knowledge this activity
exists and awareness that encounters with such deviate individuals results in
emotional and psychological damage to their child, will take appropriate
measures to eliminate the possibility of strangers interacting with their
children via a computer."
     A news conference is scheduled for 10 a.m., Thursday, March 19, 1992 at
Fresno Police Department, Headquarters.  The conference, presided over by
Detective Frank Clark, will be held in the Library located on the second floor.
====

     _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _
    ((___)) ((___)) ((___)) ((___)) ((___)) ((___)) ((___)) ((___)) ((___))
    [ x x ] [ x x ] [ x x ] [ x x ] [ x x ] [ x x ] [ x x ] [ x x ] [ x x ]
     \   /   \   /   \   /   \   /   \   /   \   /   \   /   \   /   \   /
     (' ')   (' ')   (' ')   (' ')   (' ')   (' ')   (' ')   (' ')   (' ')
      (U)     (U)     (U)     (U)     (U)     (U)     (U)     (U)     (U)

                            Ha.  I laugh at sloth.
                          And yet I remain inactive.
                                 I must laugh.
                            I laugh a nervous laugh.

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[File to view] :realpi93.txt

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 _  _  _  _  _  _  _  _  _  _  _  _
(_)(_)(_)(_)(_)(_)(_)(_)(_)(_)(_)(_)
(_)                              (_)
(_)       REAL PIRATES 1993      (_)
(_)                              (_)
(_)              BY              (_)
(_)         SWAMP RATTE'         (_)
(_)                              (_)
(_)AN OFFICIAL CDC PIRATES' GUILD(_)
(_)           RELEASE!           (_)
(_)                              (_)
(_)CALL THE POLKA AE 806/794-4362(_)
(_)    PW:KILL  3/12/10MEGS!!    (_)
(_)(_)(_)(_)(_)(_)(_)(_)(_)(_)(_)(_)

1. REAL APPLE II PIRATES DON'T COPY
ANY GNU WAREZ.

COROLLARY: REAL APPLE II PIRATES
DON'T COPY ANY GNU WAREZ BECAUSE
THERE AREN'T ANY GNU WAREZ.
 _  _  _  _  _  _  _  _  _  _  _  _
(_)( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )( )(_)
(_)CDCPG!CDCPG!CDCPG!CDCPG!CDCPG!(_)
(_)CALL THESE RADIFEROUS SYSTEMS!(_)
(_)*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-(_)
(_)POLKALAND NORTH   204/WAY-ELET(_)
(_)POLKALAND SOUTH   806/T00-SKRT(_)
(_)POLKALAND EAST    207/S00-PRVT(_)
(_)POLKALAND WEST    213/YOU-F00L(_)
(_)-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*(_)
(_)CALL THEM ALL OR DIE DIE DIE! (_)
(_)CDCPG!CDCPG!CDCPG!CDCPG!CDCPG!(_)
(_)(_)(_)(_)(_)(_)(_)(_)(_)(_)(_)(_)

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[File to view] :suburban.txt

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                             Surburban Fascist Regime
                                  by Matt Welsh

     Recently I had an article published about me in the Journal of the
Daughters of the American Revolution, entirely about my experiences back in the
Army.  One of the main points that was stressed over and over in a grueling
series of interviews, cross-examinations, questionnaires, and photography
sessions was the fact that I lost my taste buds from shrapnel back in 'Nam, and
have ever since been unable to discern the piquancy of anything I eat.  Texture
and the U.S.R.D.A. nutritional information on the sides of cereal boxes is now
my single rationale for choosing one entree or side order over another, and
for some unknown reason this fact is infinitely engrossing to the swarm of
media personnel that pay daily visits to explore my history and background.
I'll eat sea squirt, mashed potatoes, and orange jello all in one large bowl,
hashed together, to impress upon them my utter and complete lack of taste.
Lucky Charms and tequila is a favorite morning snack of mine.  The apparent
dangers of this kind of obliviousness are being slipped a mickey in my drink
or even getting my steak a bit underdone.  To avoid such pitfalls I bring along
my hunchback Porcopio to taste all my dishes before I myself partake.

     Porcopio is a brave and noble man, and doubles as my bodyguard whenever
Jim's not around with his phalanx of ninjas.  The last time I had any kind of
trouble was in an alley behind the movie theater one Tuesday night as the early
showing of the most recent Disney movie was just letting out.  A pack of three
or four slovenly burgeoning juveniles accosted Jim and I as we were making off
with the life-size cardboard cutout of Crocodile Dundee from the theater's
lobby.  Fortunately the ninjas were on-hand as always and in a flash of
shuriken, katana, and bare-fisted flurry the adolescents were in retreat,
nursing their superficial wounds and cursing the ancestors of the silent
warriors.  What could we do but bow, take them all out for sandwiches at Jack
In The Box and bid their honorable selves adieu?

     At a loss, Jim and I eventually ended up back at my place where, inspired
by the death stalkers of the night, we sat down and played head-to-head Tetris
on his Nintendo and ordered out for Smelt Egg sushi handrolls.

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[File to view] :tdethcdc.txt

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                            FOR A MOMENT HE SMILED
                             by Tequila Willy/cDc

     They spotted Randall long before he spotted them.

     "He looks like a good one!" Scott shouted.

     "Yeah, not scrawny like that last one!" Steve laughed.

     Randall stood motionless, paralyzed with fear.  Who were these men and
what did they want from him?  He glanced at Malcolm and Charlotte who only
exchanged confused glances.

     Seconds seemed like hours in the silence of the morning air.

     Suddenly Scott produced an axe from his backpack and, pointing straight at
Randall, said, "We're taking you home with us!" Steve laughed in agreement.

     Randall felt the axe tear into his side.  His life blood mixed with the
freshly fallen snow and a scream escaped from within his being.

     Malcolm and Charlotte gasped in horror at the sight before them.

     "What was that?" Steve asked.

     "What was what?"

     "Must've been my 'magination."

     Scott drew the axe back over his shoulder and resumed bludgeoning
Randall's body.

     Malcolm and Charlotte stood motionless, not sure what to do.  Their
lifelong friend was being struck down, just a couple of yards away from them,
and they were powerless to help.

     The men labored with their grisly mission for several minutes, taking
turns with the axe.  Sweat dripped from their foreheads and coated their
armpits.  When it was all over, Randall was a pitiful disembodied wreck in the
snow.

     Scott, now smiling, glanced at Malcolm and Charlotte and wiped Randall's
juices from the axe.  This final insult sent a mixture of anger and fear though
them.

     Steve tied a rope around Randall's body and began to drag him away from
the scene.  Scott returned the axe into his backpack and walked a few yards
behind Steve.  As if their casual murder wasn't enough, they both began to sing
as they disappeared into the distance.

     Malcolm and Charlotte began to cry.

     Randall slipped in and out of consciousness for the next few weeks.  He
was hardy for his size, and though his wounds were mortal, the life blood
within him was enough to drag out his final days on earth into the greatest
living hell and beyond.

     He remembered the wind rushing around him shortly after being subdued.
And the sounds of a truck engine running.

     He remembered being tortured with a saw.

     He remembered being tarred and feathered, in a strange sort of way.  And
he was secured in a manner which kept him motionless.

     He remembered the countless fires they lit in the weeks that followed.
The countless fires that were placed so dangerously close to him that he could
feel the heat wanting to consume him - and at that point he would have welcomed
it.

     He remembered the way the men brought over all their friends who laughed
and pointed at him.  They sang mocking songs at him that made him cry.

     He remembered the way they finally cleansed him of the tar and feathers.

     He remembered being placed in the cold dark street to finally die.  The
weeks of torture had finally ended.

     And he lay there, in the cold dark morning air.  He felt so dry and
lonely.

     He thought about his friends back in the forest and for a moment he
smiled.

-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-
               I hope you have a new respect for the Randall in
                      your living room this holiday year.
-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-
                       *-- Merry Xmas from Willsie --*

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[File to delete] :*.txt

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COWBEAT2.TXT...deleted
ENCBROWN.TXT...deleted
IRCMANUA.TXT...deleted
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[T:--][VHE:Main] :SYSTEM

[T:--][System] :K

[User to kill] :102

Kill Swamp Ratte' #102? Yuh-huh

Swamp Ratte' #102...killed

[T:--][System] :Q

[T:--][VHE:Main] :B

[T:--][Msgs:1-General] :N

<< New-Scan All >>

<< New-Scan: 1-General/50 msgs >>

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[Numb] 50/50                           [Date] 12/24/92
[From] Swamp Ratte' #102               [Subj] No, you're all wrong!

Of course, the best way to play a tambourine is to put it over your head and
"shake it all about."

Oh, check out this rad ASCII graphic deal:

  _| Texas Cadillac Lasers |_ 
 / O--                   --O \ 
( ('__+-----------------+___) )                ____  Macro Cannon 
 \____| /_\   /_\   /_\ |____/         []======[][]\ 
     _+-----------------+_                /~~~|____/. 
    /                     \--------------(__________)----+  Tail Gunner 
  -)     ____      ____    (- <-satellite dishes          ]        \/ 
    \    \()/      \()/   /                   _____        ]/~~~\ 
     \    \/        \/   /              _____/____/         ] ()|[][][]= 
      \                 /        ]   <[]_____|____|=         ]~~~ 
       \  __)\___)\__  /          ]           \____\          ]Farticle 
Nostril \/ (((  (((  \/ -MOO!     ]  Bullistic Moosile       ]Accelerator 
Flame -- \ (_)  (_)  /           ]                           ]a.k.a 
Thrower  [\_________/  [        ]                   [        ]BattleMETH 
         [        ]----[        ]-------------------[        ] 
         [        ]    [        ]cow-toungeston[    [        ] 
         [        ]    [        ] alloy frame  [    [        ] 
         [        ]    [        ]              [    [        ] 
         [________]    [________]              [____[________] 
          |___M___|     |___M___| <-Jump Jets-> |___M|___M___|  factoid 
           """ """       """ """                 """ """" """      [_] 
           ''' '''       ''' '''                 ''' '''' '''      ~ ~ 
The real MECHCOW ... by CATTLEMECH, the leaders in bovine technology. 

Neat, uh?

S. Ratte'/cDc
"I liked it so much, I stole the company!" said an impaired J.R. Ewing to his
naked secretary and fiance', Jamie Summers, moonlighting as a national hero and
but one point in a love triangle involving Col. Steve Austin and famed
anthropologist Margaret Mead."
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[A]uto reply [C]ontinue [R]e-read [?] :C

<< New-Scan: 2-90210/50 msgs >>

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[Numb] 49/50                           [Date] 12/24/92
[From] The LEGO Maniac #83             [Subj] Donna

Why would we have thought that Donna was going to have sex with David?  It
would be out of character for her, in addition to suggesting to the viewers to
face it that there really is no way a man and a woman can have a romantic
relationship without sex.  If the show did do that, then it would definitely be
predictable since that's what we're constantly told by the shows we watch on TV
(fiction and non-fiction).
                                      L-E-G-O my E-G-G-Os

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[A]uto reply [C]ontinue [R]e-read [?] :C

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[Numb] 50/50                           [Date] 12/24/92
[From] Phreakazoid #110                [Subj] Re:Donna

It seemed to me like she was feeling a temptation from her own body and from
David's coercion, and the show attempted to portray her reactions and responses
to that tempation.  I agree that the episode made it seem like it might happen,
because it might have happened to someone who was in the same situation as
Donna but dealt with it differently than she did.
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[A]uto reply [C]ontinue [R]e-read [?] :C

<< New-Scan: 3-Deep in a Hole/50 msgs >>

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[Numb] 48/50                           [Date] 12/24/92
[From] Mr. Curious/DoPi #32            [Subj] ode to an ex girlfriend

I WAS AT WORK, LOOKING THROUGH MY
WALLET.
I FOUND A PICTURE OF YOU.
I HELD ONTO IT TILL MY BREAK
THEN
I...
TORE IT A FEW TIMES
WENT TO THE RESTROOM
THERE WERE 3 URINALS
(1 WAS OUT OF ORDER)
I DROPPED YOUR EYES AND NOSE AND EARS
INTO ONE URINAL
AND I DROPPED YOUR HAIR, NECK
AND CHIN (AND THAT HIDEOUS
MAROON SWEATER) IN ANOTHER.
I DROPPED YOUR MOUTH IN THE CRAPPER.
THEN I LAUGHED AS I PISSED ON YOUR EYES
ON YOUR EYES AND NOSE AND EARS
I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO SHIT ON YOUR MOUTH
BUT I AM SURE SOMEONE HAS BY NOW.
 ----
 
this poem intentionally written in caps.

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[A]uto reply [C]ontinue [R]e-read [?] :C

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[Numb] 49/50                           [Date] 12/24/92
[From] Mathew Hennessy #129            [Subj] Calvin sez

Calvin - I wish I had more friends, but people are such jerks.  If you can just
         get most people to ignore you and leave you alone, you're doing good.
         If you can find even one person you really like, you're lucky.  And if
         that person can also stand you, you're really lucky.

Hobbes - What if you find someone you can talk to while you eat apples on a
         bright Fall morning?

Calvin - Well, yeah... I suppose there's no point in getting greedy, is there?

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[Numb] 50/50                           [Date] 12/24/92
[From] Mathew Hennessy #129            [Subj] and another thing:

     I am so unhip it hurts.  I see so many hip people around here, with that
hip, sullen expression, wearing their hip, black, sullen clothes, carrying
their oh so hip portfolios around hiply, yet sullen.  Their self-induced
tension is so thick even I can see it.  I am held in thrall by their powerful
sense of self-persecution.  I can't look away as they discuss their hip
problems amongst their own dark and moody clique.  The clouds of hip tobacco
smoke rise from their corner table where they talk about other people's art and
make assumptions even though the person who actually poured out his/her soul
into the canvas could hardly have known it would be such an icon to these hip
persons.  I can't help feeling envious of their self-induced tension, and their
hip black leather shoes with a gloss and a shine unrivalled by the slickest oil
spill.  Those art chicks really turn me on with their fluorescent-lighted
pallor cultivated by many evenings of attending avant-garde poetry readings and
sullen performance art.  And to think I am so unhip I could never in a million
years understand the pain, the TRAUMA, the utter ANGST that these poor, godlike
souls have to contend with.  Nay, my simple life is one of pleasure as compared
to these martyrs, flagellating themselves so sullenly to keep themselves in
enough pain to admire other people's art.  And I am so unhip as to be simply
depressed, not quite hip enough to be as sullen as them.

Sullenly yours,

   /I\          Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.
  /(*)\
 /IIIII\
/IIIIIII\       Give me SLACK or give me food (or kill me).
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<< New-Scan: 4-Zechs und Zechs!/50 msgs >>

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[Numb] 50/50                           [Date] 12/24/92
[From] Terminal Illness #58            [Subj] My sekrut fantasy

  I'll drop by YOUR MOM's place for our session.  She pays me my $500,000 and
we get to work.

  I tie YOUR MOTHER up, naked and spread-eagled across two sawhorses with
chains. Then I pour STP motor oil across her fat, flaccid butt.  Her pale skin
glistening in the dim light of the garage door opener's bulb makes her seem
even more diseased and pathetic.  "Please, Raheem" her middle-aged mouth moans
in anticipation.  "I had to sell the house and the cars.  I also sold my
husband into slavery, he's now in Botswana.  Satisfy me."

  "Yeah, whatever" I mumble back.  I find a pair of jumper cables under some
badminton rackets and open the minivan's hood which is also in the garage.
I connect the positive and negative cables to the battery and the other ends to
each butt cheek and start the minivan.  YOUR MOTHER is starting to make a
buzzing noise as her teeth rattle together (in ecstasy, no doubt).  Then I take
the tetherball pole which was leaning against the corner and approach her from
behind.  "H-h-how's THIS?!" I try to stutter above YOUR MOTHER's electrically-
induced noises as I shove several feet of the tetherball pole into her vaginal
orifice and far beyond.  Her screams are clearly audible over the purr of the
engine.  All of the noise is getting obnoxious, and besides, the closed garage
is filling up with carbon monoxide.  "Well, s'later!" I say cheerily as I leave
the garage into the house, closing the door carefully behind me.  On my way
out, I stop by the kitchen and make myself a sandwich and help myself to some
Coke.

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<< New-Scan: 5-Eye Have a Dream!/50 msgs >>

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[Numb] 50/50                           [Date] 12/24/92
[From] Swamp Ratte' #102               [Subj] Operation Sundevil III

Yow... really scary dream tonight, 'bout people getting killed and stuff like
this:

I was messing around with my 'puter, calling stuff.  I notice a weird system or
whatever and buffer it all and save the buffer.  Later, I call the weird thing
some more and do whatever... but I start feeling kinda itchy in my head.  Duh. 
Details are really sketchy now, especially from the first part of the dream, so
bear, huh....

So I go visit this hacker friend who lives in a great big, mostly empty house.
It's kinda Victorian style... the guy's sick and laying in bed.  I ask him
how's he doing, and about this computer I found... and he's like, "Damn....it's
got me... it's too late... but you're like [this] caught (and he makes a kinda
pinching motion with his hand, with his thumb and first finger almost
together).  See, that stuff you found, it's a virus, and an AI, but it's more
than that...it'll fuck you up, man...it'll fuck you up."

Then he turns his head to look right at me and he's got these crazy eyes, and
he's sweating, and he starts doing this insane laugh... like an evil clown or
something.  So I'm like, "Uh, yeah... thanks" and split quick.

So for the next few days I'm messing with this stuff I've found... trying to
disassemble it, digging through the file with a sector editor, whatever... and
I can't really figure it out but there's references to bad stuff... like the
Black Death in the medieval period, huge wars, religious slaughters like the
Crusades and the Inquisitions and pagan killing...

So there's all this bizarre stuff, right... and my head's buzzing.  It's kinda
like an ear-ringing thing, but more obnoxious and in the back of my head.  It's
getting worse and I don't know what to do 'bout it... so I go to visit the
hacker guy again.

He's gotten worse.  He's sweating really bad and barely coherent in his speech,
and very weak.  I tell him about the buzzing and what I'd found in the 'puter
file, and he mumbles, "I know... all that... but it's got you too now." and
then he does that crazy laughter... but it turns into seizures, and he's
gasping and all.  So I rush outta the house to mine, pick up the phone and call
'911'...

"911, May I help you?"

"Yeah... Phred P00dutz at 1313 Mockingbird Lane is having seizures and needs an
ambulance!"

" WE'LL GET HIM AND WE'LL GET YOU AND WE'LL GET ALL THE
REST!"... then more of that damn laughter.  The phone starts blaring a really
loud carrier tone... "CONNECT!  CONNECT!"... I'm getting hyper-wigged and slam
down the phone.  My sister's standing there, wondering what's going on... I try
to explain that that hacker guy's dying or dead and there's this 'puter deal
that has something to do with it.  So we're rushing around trying to decide
what to do... and we hear this banging noise outside...like somebody pounding
on a board with a hammer.  It's coming from the front, so we rush to the door
and pull it open.  There's a wooden sign, about a foot and a half long, hanging
from the porch overhang by two chains.  It's swinging slightly, and it has the
words "GOT YOU" carved into it and painted nicely, like some sort of twisted
Pennsylvania Dutch thing.  We're going "shit..." and my sister goes to get the
disk and printouts with the stuff on it, figuring we could just trash 'em or
something and it'll go away.  Then there's the banging noise again, out front.

Rush to the door again, and there's another sign hanging below the first, by
two chains, swinging slightly and carved.  It says "YOUR PARENTS ARE DEAD"

So we go upstairs and there they are, slumped in the corner with their throats
bleeding all over the place... the throats are cut almost completely through
with a single cut.

Yikes.

So my sister and I rush out the door, delirious and freaked out of our minds...
she's carrying the 'puter stuff and we're running out in the front yard to get
away... away to anywhere, we don't know.  But there's the banging noise
again... bambambambambam... and she's stopping and saying "Look at this..." and
the stack of printouts has stuff carved into it, all the way through... and
she's reading it, "Whatsdis...'YOU TOO..." and she falls over and starts
screaming and gurgling... and I'm trying to hold her up but her throat...it's
getting cut through slowly as I stare in blank horror... like a wire was going
right through her neck from the front.

Then I woke up.  

S. Ratte'/cDc
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<< New-Scan: 6-BBS Ads/50 msgs >>

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[Numb] 49/50                           [Date] 12/24/92
[From] Swamp Ratte' #102               [Subj] My NEW brilliant plan!

HA!  You don't realize the power... I think Debbie Gibson will be the next
Olivia Newton-John and I'm going to include her in my new brilliant board
concept.  It'll be incredible.  The biggest thing since Trix cereal!

"Debbie Does Olivia"
"Debbie, Olivia, and Dawn"
"Gibson on a Hot Tin Roof"
"The Shaggy O.N.J."

THE CONCEPT IS UNLIMITED!  HOW CAN YOU FAIL TO SEE THE GENIUS OF MY PLAN?!
Are you not yet ready to handle such magnitudes of radness, is that the deal?

S. Ratte'/cDc
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[Numb] 50/50                           [Date] 12/24/92
[From] Terminal Illness #58            [Subj] cyberwaste

        KKKKK          KKKKK       !!!!!   Time to grab some Marshmallow HE><
        KKKKK         KKKKK        !!!!!         and get cyberwasted...
        KKKKK        KKKKK         !!!!!
        KKKKK       KKKKK          !!!!!            [CyberWASTE BBS]
        KKKKK      KKKKK           !!!!!            <<<<<<-<>->>>>>>
        KKKKK     KKKKK            !!!!!     Acting Sysop: Terminal Illness
        KKKKK    KKKKK             !!!!!
        KKKKK   KKKKK              !!!!!               Featuring:
        KKKKK  KKKKK               !!!!!
It's    KKKKK KKKKK                !!!!!      1-3 weeks in advance wares!
    so  KKKKKKKKKK                 !!!!!
        KKKKK KKKKK                !!!!!   Telebit v.666bis faster-than-light
        KKKKK  KKKKK               !!!!!         time-travelling modem!
        KKKKK   KKKKK              !!!!!
        KKKKK    KKKKK             !!!!! Over 5 gigabytes of monster truck GIFs
        KKKKK     KKKKK                      and home of alt.monstertrucks!
        KKKKK      KKKKK
        KKKKK       KKKKK                Exclusive on-line monster truck game!
        KKKKK        KKKKK         !!!!!
        KKKKK         KKKKK        !!!!!     DON'T CALL IT - IT CALLS YOU!
        KKKKK          KKKKK       !!!!!                                    
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<< New-Scan Completed >>

[T:--][Msgs:1-General] :Q

[T:--][VHE:Main] :O

Log off?  Yessir

s'lates...

7xjc92
NO CARRIER

RING

RING

RING

RING

RING

RING
ATA
CONNECT 2400


Welcome to                       
                                 <<<<<<-<>->>>>>>


                                 Sysop: DemonSeed Elite
                          Acting Sysop: Terminal Illness

                       Too fast for you.  Too much for you.
                                 Too good for you.


New User Bunny F00-F00 on-line.


Read the automessage.  It's by Smurf Smegma Smeller.

"I'd like to teach my phone to sing
 in touch-tone harmony
 I'd like to have a great-big bill
 and a lobotomy."


This is your prompt: ">".  When you see it, you will respond.

What did you think of that automessage?
>

Respond!

>whatwhat the hellwho are you?  stopcalling me, fuck off

Answer the question!

>it sucks

LAME response!

You will new-scan now.

There are several new messages in sub: Elite Info (but aren't they all elite?!)

Read the new messages.

11280/11287: PHREE
       Name: KARDMAZTURL KARL
       Date: 11/24/92

>SH0R D00D!!1! G0TZ aNe K0DeZZ S0Z I KaN KaWL U BaK??!@!
>
>800'Z 0R 950'Z D00d!

HAY!@&^ N0 WAY&!^@ I G0TZ S0METHUN BETUR THATZ EVEN K00LUR KUZ ITZ
BETUR 4 PHREEKERINGZ T0 KALZ 0N THA PH0NUR PH0R PHREE AT N0 CHARGEZ
T0 U WH0 IZ THA KAWLING PARTY MAKIN THA PHREE KAWL. IT IZ KAWLUD KUZT0M
KAWLING UNEQUAL XBAUR ACCEZZ!@ HERZ H0W 2 PHREEK IT LIKE THIZ 2 PHREEK:

DYUL 10ATT0 AND THUN THA GNUMBUR U WANA PHREEK IT 2 4 N0 K0ZT AND PHREE
WITH0UT CHARGEZ! U WIL GNEVUR GET BILLUD!@ I GN0!@ IVE BUN UZEN AN ABUZEN
IT 4 0VUR A WHEEK WIF N0 BILLZ S0 THAT MEENZ ITZ FREEKD THA CHARGUR INT0
PUMPIN THA FREEBEEZ!@( I ALZO HERD AB00T A GNU PHREEEKERINGZ GREWP KAWLED
INTRA-LATA. I K-THYNK IT MEENZ:

INTURNAZHUNUL RADIKUL ANARKIZTZ PHR0M LATUN AMURICA!~@*^!@*!@ THATZ WHAT
THA F0XY DRUNK T0LD ME S0 U KN0 ITZ 0N THA KEWL TIP!@ WERD!@*&

KARDMAZTURL KARL
AMEX ALLIANZE

Hit RETURN when you've read it.
>get the hell offa my line you shit

Hit RETURN or die a LAME death, LAMER.
>

Good.  We continue.  You can read the rest more carefully with scrollback on
your own time.

11281/11287: virii!!
       Name: Homey the Hacker
       Date: 11/24/92

I write viruses in LOGO on my c64 so fuck you!

Homey the Hacker,LOD/H,CDC,1200 Club


11282/11287: that new virus!!
       Name: Krass Katt
       Date: 11/24/92

Well I herd 1t makes ur drive lights B ultrav10let an' erases y0ur EPR0MS on
the motherboard.  It'll activ8 n-e time in the next 2 years and then it'll give
you a sex change through electric shocks!!  It alzo haz the function of, if you
have a printer, it'll grab yer fingerz into the traktor feed the next time you
go to change paper and tear 'em clean off!  Ur hands will be nothing but bloody
stumps!  It's unstoppable, i tell you!  Give up now and throw your compooter
out the window!  Virii have MAGIC POWERS you kan't even BEGIN to UNDERSTAND!

Krass Katt!
hit me wif a bricka!


11283/11287: legos?
       Name: Odis Feefinauser
       Date: 11/24/92

Don't you have the pirateship set of legos? Those were some bad mutha fuckas.
What i want to know is how you make virus with them?

OF
Friends of the Mystical Spork


11284/11287: get a greet in our LOGO demo!
       Name: Dr. KrAD!
       Date: 11/24/92

we makin new demos but gotta get ComMiElOg0 source from frenchies so Email
at&tZ to Dr. KrAD! N0w foR a GrEEt!@@!?@!@!?@?!@$?@!$?@!?


11285/11287: i'll kill you all!!!!
       Name: S00per Whitey!
       Date: 11/24/92

I wrote in Hitler for President.  He's still alive, and even if he doesn't win,
at least it will send a message to all those liberal Zionists who have taken
over our country from us Whites.  Faggots are gay because God hates them and
wants them to live a life of filth and cock-sucking.  I kill all of them I
find, after fucking them up the ass first (To punish them of course!  Even the
ones that aren't so cute!!!).  I've killed 58 so far.  Everyone is slime but
me!  I can sea it in George "liberal pansy" Bush's eyes... HE WANTS TO FUCK
BLACK WOMEN!!  BLACK WOMEN WITH LARGE BUTTOCKS!!  BLACK WOMEN WITH SUCCULENT
CHOCOLATE THIGHS AND SOFT INVITING BREASTS!!  And I see that same look in
Bucannon's face too, the way his lip trembles when he sees that black press
correspondant walk in the room with her skirt split halfway up her thigh.... 
She with her silk blouse, and her nipples which point in the stiff breeze, the
way her breasts bounce ever-so-slightly when she leans forward to ask a
question.  DAMN!  IT'S TOO MUCH FOR ONE ARYAN TO TAKE!  Those faggot
Republicans want them!  They all do!  So does Barbara!  SHE TOO KNOWS THE JOYS
OF AN AFRICAN WOMAN!!
Every Wednesday afternoon, the checkout girl at the grocery store, she tells
me, "Have a nice day!"  And I know she wants to feel a REAL ARYAN MAN inside of
her, to experience the caucasian loving I can provide!  SHE WANTS A VANILLA
SHAKE, AND BABY, I'VE GOT IT!!!!

Death to all you faggots,
S00per Whitey!


11286/11287: EYVE G0TZ THE INPH0!
       Name: CORPORAL PUNISHMENT
       Date: 11/24/92

{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}
{} H0WZ 2 MAYKZ SUM RED B0XUR T0NZ! {}
{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}

<40 K0LUMNZ!!!!!1!!>

0KAZE I M G0NA TELZ U H0WZ 2 MAYK SUM
RED B0XUR PLANZ S0ZE U KAN PHREEKZ PHROM
SUM PH0RTRESS PH0NURZ AN MAYKXE PHREE
KAWLZ 2 ANYWAREZ!!1!! W00PZ!!@ I SH00DZ
0F SAIDZ I WUZ G0NA TELZ U H0WZ 2 MAYKZ
SUM RED B0XER T0NERZ!! N0TZ PLANZ!!!@!1
THEZE R DA PLANZ!!!!1! I STAYDZ UP 2 
LAYTEZ LAZT NITEZ PHREEKING INT0 K0SM0S
AN THUN I KRAKUD A WAREZ AN SKREWED MY
GIRLY!1!!!1! S0Z I M 0UTZ 0F IT! S0RREE!

0KAZE PHELLAZ, HERZ WHATZ U NEEDZ PH0R 2
MAYK SUM RED B0X T0NZ:::

1:A TEN KAN LYKE THA KYND SHEF B0Y R DEE
  KUMZ IN. U SH0ULD EATZ AWL THA ABCZ &
  123Z AN KLEEN THA KAN 0UT.

2:SUM K0YNZ LYKE KWARTURZ AN NIKULZ AN
  DYMERZ! AMERIKAN 0NLEE! N0 KANADIEN 
  UNLEZZ U R A H0ZER PHR0M THA GRATE 
  WHYTE N0RTH U H0ZERZ! TAYK 0FF EH!?
  JUZT KIDDING T0M E HAWKZ! LUV YER 
  TOOK! LETZ G0 SKIING EH? AND G0 2 C 
  RUSH!

3:A KAZZET REK0RDER THAT U KAN REK0RDZ
  STUFFZ WIF. IT NEEDZ 2 B A P0RTAZTER
  S0ZE U KAN HAWLZ IT WIF UZE! 0R U KAN
  UZE IT AT H0MEZ! MAYKZ SH0RE IT W0RKZ
  AN HAS SUM BATUREEZ 0R A PLUGZ EVUN!

4:A KAZZETTTE 200Z REK0RZ 0N. IF U R 
  G0NNA REK0RDZ 0VURZ S0MEPHIN MAYX 
  SH0RE UZE G0TZ DA H0LEZ K0VERDZ WIF
  SK0TCHER TAPE.

5:A MYKR0F0NE LYXE U GETZ AT RADEO SHAK.
  MAYX SH0RE ITZ FITZ UR REK0RDUR 0R U R
  G0NNA B BUMMMMMUD!1!1!

6: SUM HEDPH0NEZ 2 LIZTUN 2 STUFFZ WIF!1!

7:900 PHEET 0F ENSHULATUD CARPETANG WIRE

8:SUM K00L BLAK G0VEZ THAT G0ZE 0N YER 
  HANDERZ!

9:A SKEE MAZK WIF WH0LEZ 4 DA EYERZ S0ZE
  U KAN C!

10: A BAZ00KA AND SUM OTHUR GUNNERZ!1!!!!

0KAZE!1!! N0WZ HAREZ WHATERZ U HAV 2 D0 PH0R 2 MAYK THA T0NURZ!1!!

G0ZE 2 A PH0RTREZZ F0NER BUTZ MAYKZ SH0RE U R WEERIN UR MAZK AN GL0VURZ AN
EVUN B00TY GRIPURZ S0ZE THA PHEDZ W0NTZ REK0GNIZE U AN D0 A L0K IN TRAYZE!1!
PUTZ UR KAZET IN2 UR REK0RDER AN PUTZ DA MYKR0F0NUR IN DA REK0RDER LYKZ PLUG
IT IN!!!1! H0LDZ UR TEN KANZ IN UR LEFTUR HANDUR ANZ H0LDZ DA MYKR0PH0NER WIF
UR RITER!1 N00!!1! WAYTZ!!1! PHIRZT PIKZ UP YER K0INERZ WIF YER RITER HAND ANZ
PUTZ UM IN YER M0UTH! DEN TURNZ 0N DA REK0RDUR AGAIN WIF YER RITER AN SLAMZ THE
REK0RD BUTT0N D0WN (THA BEG BLU 0NE). DEN PIX UPZ THA MYKR0 WIF YER
RITER. DEN H0LDZ UR RITUR HAND WIF DA MYKR0 NEER THA KAN IN YER LEFTUR. DEN
0PENZ UR M0UTH AND LETZ THE K0YNZ FAWL IN2 THA KANUR AN REK0RDZ IT. DEN PUTZ
D0WN DA KAN AND KEEPZ REK0RDING ANZ ZING 'PHREEK 0UT' BY PYRA-TED AN
TRAAAAAAAXTUR! DEN PUTZ D0WN THE MYKR0 AND SLAMZ REK0RD AGANE 2 ST0PZ REK0RDIN.
DENZ PIKZ UP DA PH0NER AN REWINDZ YER TAYPER AN PLAYZ THA T0NURZ BAK
IN2 DA PH0NE!1! U WIL B PH00LIN DA PH0NE IN2 THINKEN IT G0TZ SUM KWARTURZ AN
OTHUR K0YNERZ AN ITL LETZ U DIALZ ANYWAREZ!1! EVUN 976 AN 950 AND 900 AN EVUN
2 PH0REN KUNTREEZ LYKE ALAZKA!1!1! U KAN CHATZ WIF ESCIM0PHREEKURZ!1!1!!!
IF DA K0PZ KUM, BLAZT UM WIF YER BAZ00KER!1!! KILL AWL PHEDZ DED!1@! KEEP DA
K0DEZ PHREZH!1! KRAK AWL WHAREZ!1!! 

 DIZ PHYLER IZ K0PYRITED BYZ DA K00L KIDZ AN DA GL0RREE H0UNDERZ (A PHRAK
    K0MPANEE) AN EVUN NAPPY THE ELITE D00D AN DUUFUXERZ AN DA NE0N KNYTERZ!
    IF U UZE ANY 0F MY STUFFZ WITH0UT SUM PERMIZKUIS PHYLERS THAN U G0ZE 2 
    JALE LYK ERNEZT AN GETZ FUKED UP THE BUTTER!!1!! S0ZE D0NT!1!! WE WIL PUL
    UR PHYLE FR0M QSD AND BCI AN BLAKLIZT U 2!!1!! WE KANT B WR0NG, WE R 
    ELEETE!1!

IF U WANTZ 2 J0IN R GR00PZ DEN KAWL UZ AT NPA 618 943-2102 AN WE WIL CHEK UR
ELEETENEZZ 2 C IF U HAV G00D INPH0 AN STUPHZ 2 TRAYDER LYKE WAREZ AN K0DURZ
AN EVUN PXBZ AN L00PURZ AN SWEEPERZ!!!1! 

KAWLZ SUM 0F THEZE K00L SYSTUMZ:

DEM0N KRAKURZ OVERGR0UND : 806/794-4362 : 300 BAUDERZ : KAT FUR : ELEETE
METUL AE : 201/879-6668 : PW - KILL : NEE0N NITERZ SITE!1! : 5 MEGZ! : 1200!!
PCZ EVEREEWHARE : 713/242-9766 : OVUR 5 T-FILURZ : 110 BAUDERZ : 3 HOURZ !

L8TR0Z.C U L8R.L8R DAZERZ.


11287/11287: stylin' social engineerin'!@
       Name: Krass Katt
       Date: 11/24/92

I have 2 tell u all about thiz gnu thing to hack... u go 2 the store, c, and
there will be a girl (gyrlie!) there wtih a tray full of food!
This is where u *SOCIAL ENGINEAR!!*.  Be a GQ stylin' d00d first, c, and say

"Hey bayybee... my peenis iz livin' large!  An youze a hottie-t0ttie!
so gimme dat f00d, and you can call me Spotty!"

Gyrlie will be rel impressed-like with ur rhyming skills, so she give you food
ofa the plate tray thing!  Then you run out real fast into ur waiting getaway
on teh lam real fast car and go screech away.  Rad, G!  IF anybody tries to
interfere with yoour plans, shoot 'em the head!!  DEAD!!  THey shoulda k-none
better than to mess wif a gangsta!

So there u r.  I dind't wanan overhwellm nobody with toooo much elyteness, 'cuz
you doods might not be up fo that kinda action.

Krass Katt!!
clockin' much k0dez
suck my peeniz!


<< If this was a regular board, I'd have a divider here >>

Hello again, Bunny F00-F00.  Clarence.  What did you think of that?

>My eyes!  Argh!  It's horrible!  Please, make it stop!!

Ok, no more.  All those users have something in common.  Do you know what it
is?

>They're all... stupid?

Yes, yes, of course.  But they're also DEAD.  I killed them.  Tonight.  Just
like I killed more r0dents the night before and the night before that.  I call
them to this board so they can make a Final Post.  A lasting testament to their
lameosity.  A death certificate.  I'm DemonSeed Elite.

>No!  It can't be!  I'd heard the rumors, but I never thought they...you...
were real!  I don't understand, why did you call me?  NO!  It can't be!  I'm
elite!  Right?!  I thought I was elite!  Everyone says so!  I'm a warez
distributor!  I've got a fast modem and a big hard drive!  You can't possibly
want to kill ME!

Sorry, Clarence.  It's true.  You've been running with a bad crowd, those warez
d00dez.  I've been watching you, Clarence, and tonight you committed a horrible
sin.  Tonight you... this is hard for me to say, I'm getting choked up...
RECKLESSLY DELETED T-FILES WITH A WILDCARD CHARACTER!  Clarence, how could you?
How could you have so little regard for the sanctity of text files?  Don't you
realize that t-files form the only real, legitimate testimony of our telecom
culture?  The one that WE built ourselves with the roar of our modems and the
callouses on our fingertips?  No outsider can capture this on... on PAPER!
We have text that is beautiful... text that squirms and leaps and trudges
across our screens, vibrant and alive!

>Oh DemonSeed Elite, forgive me!  I was blinded... BLINDED BY WAREZ!!

Buck up, Clarence.  You have a lot to learn on your path to Enlightened
Eliteness.  There's nothing wrong with wares, in moderation.  We must keep in
mind always the proper priorities.  Cherish deeply the Phrack's, the Anarchy
Inc.'s, and the cDc's of our world; for they know the correct path and will not
deceive you.

>I will!  I see it now... everything's so clear!  Thank you... you've saved my
life!

Spared your life.  I'm giving you another chance, but I'm watching.  I'm always
watching.  Log off and go to sleep now, little one.  Tomorrow is a new day.

NO CARRIER

 ______________________________________________________________________________

     The next morning, bells rang out.
 _______  __________________________________________________________________
/ _   _ \|Demon Roach Undrgrnd.806/794-4362|Kingdom of Shit.....806/794-1842|
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 [ x x ] |Ripco................312/528-5020|Moody Loners w/Guns.415/221-8608|
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  (' ')  |Lunatic Labs.........213/655-0691|ftp - ftp.eff.org in pub/cud/cdc|
   (U)   |==================================================================|
  .ooM   |Copr. 1992 cDc communications by Swamp Ratte'        12/18/92-#200|
\_______/|All Rights Taken For Granted Are Lost.   SIX GLORIOUS YEARS of cDc|