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 ...presents...   cDc's Guide to Sexually Transmitted Diseases
                                                        by Myles Long

           __//////\   -cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc-   /\\\\\\__
 Est. 1984   \\\\\\/  cDc paramedia: text #376-12/13/2000 \//////   Est. 1984

    __    _   _    __     _   _    __       _   _      __    _   _      __
   |__heal_the_sick__raise_the_dead__cleanse_the_lepers__cast_out_demons__|

     For those of you who don't know me, I'm Myles Long.  I've recently
gotten back into the computer scene, following a three-year stint as an adult
film star in Bulgaria and Romania.  Why'd I quit?  No, I don't have any
diseases.  I got tired of seeing the starving people in the former Communist
Block countries, that's why.  That and the fact that I'd already nailed all
the chicks who were worth anything in Eastern Europe.  Also, I realized that
my days as a star were numbered, and for some reason I could never success-
fully break into the U.S. adult industry.  You'd think that _Boogie Nights_
would have increased the demand for well-endowed males in American adult
entertainment, but you'd be wrong.

     I'm sure you're all thinking about how great it must be in the adult
film world.  I hate to burst your bubble, since it for the most part it
fuckin' rocks (think about it guys...a different hot chick each day of the
week... and for the ladies... there're well-endowed men who earn names like
"Myles Long"), but there actually is a downside to being an adult film star.

     There's the ever-present threat of pregnancy, even though all the
starlets are on birth control and no internal ejaculation is allowed [this is
only true in U.S. porn... in Eastern Europe, anything goes-trust me on this].
There is also, of course, the threat of AIDS.  Periodic mandatory tests have
largely kept this threat at bay.  AIDS is such a scary thing to the actors
and actresses that the studios focus so much on safety from it, that
the other STDs are often left unchecked and unnoticed.  Another reason I left
the industry was that about 50% of the people who worked for the same studio
as I did suddenly came down with the clap.  I figured that it was only a
matter of time until I got it, so I came back to the U.S. to go to college,
which my parents were happy to hear.  Of course, they didn't really know
exactly what I was doing in Europe for three years.  They knew that I was
making good money, but that's not the point.

     While almost all STDs are treatable and non-life-threatening, nothing
will end the career of an adult film superstar quicker than a scorching case
of herpes or syphilis.  And that, my friends, is what I'm going to talk to
you about today.  Think of it as a little friendly medical advice from
CULT OF THE DEAD COW.

     So here we go: use a condom or abstain from sex altogether with
partners.  Yes, as far as I can tell, you can't give yourself an STD.
Ladies, use birth control (pills, shots, implants, sheepskin, etc.).  Guys,
find out if the ladies are using birth control.  Don't have multiple
partners, unless you're in the adult entertainment industry or get HIV,
pregnancy, and STD tests every 60 days or less for some other reason.

     Sure, you forgot what you learned in health class in high school.
That's all right, just listen to ol' Myles Long.  I'm sure you already know
all about unwanted pregnancy and AIDS, so here's what you may not know about
gonorrhea, syphilis, chlamydia, and herpes.  I'd talk about genital warts
also, but those are just gross, even after you have them burned off.

     Gonorrhea, caused by a bacterium, can infect either the male or female
sexual organs as well as the mouth, throat, and rectum [really...this one
Bulgarian that I worked with had a nasty case of ass-clap, as we called
it... she looked like a fucking baboon].  Infected women may have a vaginal
discharge [often referred to as "unexplained ooze"] or a burning sensation
during urination, but usually have no other symptoms.  Sometimes, there are
no symptoms at all in women.  Men, however, usually have a discharge of pus
(drip) from their penises, accompanied by a burning sensation when they piss.
Usually, neither men nor women have symptoms with rectal gonorrhea
[exceptions exist, though, as I explained about my friend, the ass-clap
girl].  Victims of pharyngeal gonorrhea usually have no major symptoms but
slight problems such as sore throat, fever, and chills may occur.  Gonorrhea
is diagnosed through a culture test.  An accurate blood test for detection of
the disease has not been developed. That's right, they test for it by samp-
ling the cells inside your bits-and-pieces.  Gonorrhea may be completely
cured by antibiotics if detected soon after the infection begins.   If you're
anything like the average Eastern European adult film star or starlet though,
you'll dilly-dally and let it fester.  This only prolongs the treatment time,
increases the treatment cost, and usually ends your budding career [while
your ass starts a budding of its own].

     Syphilis is also caused by a bacterium.  I'm told that it was originally
spread by shepherds having sex with their sheep, but I don't know for sure.
Once in the body, it enters the blood stream.  For ten days to three months
[these figures are exact... go get syphilis and see for yourself], there are
no symptoms.  Thus, it cannot be detected by a blood test during this period.
A lesion develops where the germ enters the body.  It starts out by swelling,
and becomes a painless ulcer.  If left untreated, it will hurt, especially
when you poke it.  The lesion leaks a liquid containing hundreds of syphilis
bacteria.  Sexual activity exposes others to the disease by allowing their
naughty bits to come in contact with the leakage.  Penile lesions are the
most noticeable.  Other affected sites can go unseen.  Since the lesion
disappears after a short while, many infected people do not seek treatment.
Two to six months later [again, an exact figure], infected persons often have
body rashes on the palms and soles of their feet, lasting two to six weeks.
Mucus patches in the mouth may also occur.  Yup, that's right, if you let it
go untreated, you become rabid.  Okay, fine, not really.  Flu-like symptoms
may precede or accompany the rash.  A blood test can diagnose syphilis at
this stage.  So if you think you've got the flu, and if that itchy rash just
won't go away, run to a doctor.

     And for God's sake, leave the sheep alone!

     A special derivative of penicillin can quickly and completely cure the
disease.  If left untreated, syphilis will eventually lead to an agonizingly
painful death.  Something along the lines of death by ebola, or so I hear.

     Chlamydia is caused by a bacterium as well.  The most common STD in the
U.S., it usually causes no symptoms right away.  So what's the big deal?
Listen up, cupcake.  It often leads to serious problems down the line, like
sterility and erectile disfunction.  Also, epididymitis is the most common
complication in men.  This, of course, is inflammation of the skin of the
penis.

     Let's all say it together... "FUCKING OUCH!"

     Pelvic inflammatory disease (PID) is the most common complication in
women.

     Ladies, in unison, please: "HOLY SHIT, THAT HURTS!"

     These are bad because, well, both can cause sterility.  Chlamydia often
accompanies gonorrhea.  It's a two for one deal!  Think about that the next
time you pick up a skanky chick at the bar.  Chlamydia, like gonorrhea, is
treated through the use of antibiotics.  It is detected by a culture, too.
That's right, a Q-Tip(tm) up the pee hole.  Yow!

     Herpes is caused by a virus much like the one that causes cold-sores.
In fact, if someone with oral herpes performs oral sex on you, there's a good
chance you might develop genital herpes.  Also, if you've got genital herpes
and you let someone go down on you, you're likely giving them cold sores.
A short while after infection, blisters may appear around the genitals.
Cold-like symptoms may appear for a few weeks after initial infection.
Genital blisters are the best means of detection of herpes.  Like with the
lesions in the syphilis case, these tend to hurt, especially when poked.
Recurrent infections are results of the virus's ability to lie dormant.
Sure, you can make the symptoms go away, but you've still got the disease.
There's no quicker way to end a lucrative career in adult film than to test
positive for genital herpes.  Anti-viral agents may be taken orally to reduce
the severity of recurrent attacks.  However, the virus can never be cured,
just forced into dormancy.  As the TV commercial says, "There is no cure for
genital herpes."  In other words, if you've got it, you're fucked.  Well, not
really.  No one will want to fuck you if they know you've got it.  And you'd
better tell them, or they might just go Loreena Bobbitt on your punk ass.

     STDs, though not fatal (with the exception of syphilis, which if left
untreated, can make you deader than Macaulay Culkin's career), are quite a
nuisance, especially if you hope to pursue a career in the adult entertain-
ment industry or have an active sex life of any kind.  They annoy the hell
out of average joes and porn sluts alike.  These diseases may only be 100%
effectively prevented by abstaining from sexual contact with infected
persons, and since visible symptoms only appear on the genitals, you might
just want to stop fucking altogether.  You know, to be safe.

     If you're a realist, you should take whatever measures possible to
protect yourself [use a condom, duh].  That's right, condoms work for oral
sex, too.  So do dental dams.  At the very least, be sure that you don't have
any open sores in your mouth or on any part of your body that is touching or
might possibly touch your partner's peeps.

     So, like, don't fuck around.  And always remember that you owe CULT OF
THE DEAD COW if you don't have an STD.  That's right.  You owe us.  Donations
may be sent to the address below, marked "c/o Myles Long."

     Thank you, and good night.

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