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     | |      c   o   m   m   u   n   i   c   a   t   i   o   n   s     | |
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 ...presents...    The Neophyte's Guide To Peepshow Booths
               (Or: How To Be A Deviant Perv, Old-Skool Style!)
                                                        by Delchi

           __//////\   -cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc-   /\\\\\\__
 Est. 1984   \\\\\\/ cDc paramedia : text #382-07/26/2002 \//////   Est. 1984

    _________    ___________     ___________        __________    __________ 

     Bah, you kids got it easy these days.  You can sit at home on your puffy
asses and surf up pr0n from the Internet.  You can get every kind of deviant
clothing-optional goodness known to man or beast.  Let me tell you though,
when I was your age we had to go to peep shows!  That's right!  We would roll
up our spare dollars and hike it down where the busses run all night and the
doors never close.  What's that you say? You don't know what a peep show is?
Well sit down on the stoop and let the old man tell you a thing or two.

STEP ONE: Be Prepared.

     So you have decided that it's time to make your first journey.  Like any
other urban adventure, make sure you are clothed properly.  First off, don't
go out wearing designer clothes and your new $100 sneakers.  You're not going
to a nightclub, you're going to a pr0n shop.  You can expect that you may
well be exposed to some of the nastiest things you will step in short of
working in a slaughterhouse.  Wear dark clothes, preferably something black,
and well-ventilated.  You will be in a small cubicle for an extended period
of time and it will get warm in there.  The best thing to wear is BDU pants,
because those cargo pockets can come in handy.  A good long-sleeved shirt and
a light jacket and you are dressed for success!  Next you will need your
required gear.  First, that means a goodly-sized wad of fresh new one dollar
bills.  Now when I say fresh, I mean don't go there using old raggedy-ass
dollars from the Carter administration.  Those bill-takers are not well
maintained and will turn down anything at the drop of a hat.  Next pack your
portable music device.  Where you are going, you don't want to be talking to
people.  When they see you wearing a Walkman you will not be approached.
Bring good music though, I suggest a bunch of cDc MP3s.  Get some paper
towels and a plastic grocery bag.  The odds are that you will be abusing your
anatomy in a feverish way, and you will not want that showing up on your
clothing after the fact.  You are, after all, a professional.  This is where
the cargo pants come in handy.  Finally get one of those tiny bottles of
liquid hand sanitizer.  Your mother will thank you after the fact.  Now look
yourself over.  Looking anonymous?  Good.

STEP TWO: Transportation.

     How do you get there?  Well here's the number one thing not to do.
Don't even think of driving there.  Don't take a cab to the front door.  On
foot, that's the old school experience.  Take a bus or the subway.  In more
suburban areas you might not be able to avoid driving, but if you do, be damn
sure you don't park in front of the place.  There is nothing that prepares
you better than a long healthy walk with your favorite music and fresh air as
you wind your way to the local pr0n shop.

STEP THREE: Selection.

     Now when you go to a pr0n shop, you just don't pick any one and cruise
right in.  You should be selective, like the gourmet that you are.  I won't
be making assumptions and think that you know exactly what one looks like.
Let me give you some advice: I have never seen a video store that is "open 24
hours" that did not have a goodly selection of pr0n.  The obvious ones will
have signs listing "Adult video," "25 cent peeps," "Peep Land" and so on.  As
you approach the object of your desire, look out for places that have a lot
of people hanging out in front of them.  Most of these are small-scale
hustlers, dope pushers, or prostitutes of every gender and make.  They will
offer you anything from weed to speed to girls girls girls.  Now you need to
leave these people ALONE!  You can just politely but firmly walk past them
and into the store, shaking your head slightly.  A little respect goes a long
way.  By not making a show of it, they don't get busted by the store manager
and you don't get harassed on your way out.  Walk briskly, and with purpose!
You know what you want!  You are not after drugs or a cheap date.  You want
pr0n!  One of the first things to do when you go into one of these places,
which my old man used to call "porno palaces," is to make sure that they HAVE
peep show booths.  Look right down to the back of the store, or up any
publicly accessible stairs.  If you see 'em, you're good.  What do they look
like?  Good question for the first timer.  Look for a series of doors with a
red and green light above them.  That's the ticket.  Now if you don't see
them, you may have walked into a place that has none or had them removed.
Split!  There is gold to be had elsewhere.

STEP FOUR: Getting in, getting it on, getting out.

     So you have made your way into the pr0n shop, and have verified that
there are indeed machines for your enjoyment.  Good, now let's go over the
basics of store etiquitte.  First off; if you browse, do not browse the
magazines.  This is the favorite pastime of the bums that like to hang out in
the stores and the first point of checking when a manager or worker tries to
flush people out.  In these modern times, most magazines or newspapers are
taped shut anyway, so it's a dead giveaway.  The three rules are: get in, get
off, get out.  There are employees there that are paid some ungodly low
dollar amount per hour to push you along, sell you a few things, and mop up
after your nasty behind has gone home.  Be polite to them, and they will not
harass you.

     It's time for the moment of truth.  Step forward towards your manifest
destiny of erotica.  As you approach the booths, you will more than likely
see a display case showing the boxes of the films being shown and the channel
number.  Take a quick look at these, and see if anything catches your eye.
Remember that these are sometimes inaccurate - as not all pr0n consumers
quite care what is what, and fewer actually purchase said videos.  Next, look
at the doors, and observe the lights above them.  There will either be a
single light, or a red and green light.  Use common sense.  Red means 'stop'
and green means 'go.'  They even label them sometimes as 'occupied' and
'vacant' not unlike airline bathrooms (and about the same size, too).  Once
you have found an open booth, approach it carefully.  As you open the door,
look down.  Examine the seat and the floor.  You do not want to be sitting in
anything someone left behind.  If you're lucky you will get a nose full of
lemon yellow cleaner, and a gleam on the floor from a freshly mopped booth.
If not, you could be stepping into something nastier than imagination could
cook up, or just plain left over wank drops.  Sometimes the employee will mop
the seats as well, so unless you want your ass smelling like a lemon tree,
wipe it off first.

     Now you are in the booth and the door is shut.  Lock it.  That's right,
lock that door.  Most booths have either a sliding latch or a press-the-
center-of-the-handle type lock.  This is a good idea for a few reasons.
First off it prevents the other people hanging out there from opening the
door to say, "Howdy neighbor, mind if I join you?" and it keeps the employee
from beating your door open if for some reason you happen to let the timer
run out.  More on that later.  Now then, are you sitting comfortably?  Good.

STEP FIVE: Operation.

     Now as you look forward you will see many different types of buttons,
monitors and such.  Depending on the system that has been installed, you may
see different setups.  Let's tackle this one at a time.  First off, there
should be a bill taker, and/or a coin slot.  A word of advice on the coin
slot: don't even think about it.  They probably don't work.  They also
usually want tokens that are not good for a damn thing outside of the booth.
You get more time with dollar bills than with coins.  Four tokens often do
not add up to as much time as one dollar!  Buyer beware!

     Not everyone is going to want to watch the same show, right?  That's why
most booths offer 100 or more channels to view, so be prepared to spend some
time to find what you want.  Think of it like flipping through cable TV, with
all pr0n channels.  Yeah I know, if only.

     Take a good look at the controls.  You will either see one or two tele-
visions.  One will be a largish color one, and the second, if it's there,
will be broken into four screens.  This will correspond with four buttons
labeled 'A B C D.'  Now the small 4-split TV will show you a rotating preview
of the other channels.  By pressing one of the letter-labeled buttons, you
will instantly bring that channel to the main screen.  If you want to simply
scan through sequentially, use the up and down arrows to go one channel at a

     On either side of you, you may see a large blacked-out Plexiglas window.
Nearby will be three more buttons labeled "Yes," "No," and "OK."  You have
stumbled onto the mythical "buddy booth" giving you the capacity to share
your experience with your neighbor.  There will be two panes of Plexiglas,
separated by a curtain that will lift up under the correct circumstances.  If
you choose to use this feature, you may be required to insert a minimum
dollar amount into the box, and you can expect that your time will go by
faster due to a higher rate charged when the blind is open.  Assuming you
have enough credit in the machine and you want to share your experience, you
can press the "OK" button.  This will indicate to the person on the other side
that you wish to share with them.  If they do so choose, they can press the
"Yes" button, and the curtain will rise.  At any time after this, either of
you can press "No" and cause the curtain to close.  If you press "No," then
the "OK" light will go off and the other side will not be able to request
again unless their time runs out and they put more money in the machine.
Likewise, if you suddenly see the "OK" light up on your side, someone is
sending you a message.  What's that?  There's a gap between the Plexiglas and
the frame of the window?  Well well... you have found a modern example of the
"glory hole."  Watch out for anything that gets stuck through here.  Anything
at all.  Another tip: never listen to anyone who's trying to talk to you
through this opening.  You don't want to hear it.

     So you've dropped your first dollar and you are experiencing the show
you came all this way for.  There will be a LED display with the channel
number, just above or below another display that indicates the amount of time
you have left.  Keep an eye on the time!  If your time runs out, the light
outside the booth will go off and in a few moments the employee will be
beating on your door yelling "TOKEN!  DOLLAR BILL!  USE NOW!" or some such.
If you don't comply you'll get thrown out.  Not cool.

STEP SIX: Naughty bits.

     You Onanistic freak!  You have watched some video and have simply not
been able to contain yourself.  Now what?  Odds are you have left a mess of
something on the floor, and there is still time left.  Excellent!  Now is the
time to spot-check yourself.  Wipe off your hands using the paper towels you
brought, and look over all your clothing.  If there's a problem, dab it up!

     As the timer winds down, stand up and get yourself together.  Nothing
tells a tale more than someone walking out of a pr0n shop with a shirttail
untucked or missing a belt loop.  This is the time to use the hand sanitizer
that you packed.  And you never know who "sneezed" on the controls before you
came in.  Wrap all this up in the plastic bag and dump it on the first street
garbage can.  Reset your Walkman and be prepared to open the door the instant
the timer runs out.  That is, unless you want to go another round.  You
rascal, you!

STEP SEVEN: Home, James.

     You've chiggidy-checked yourself, made your way past the employee and
out onto the street.  Smell that night air!  Go for a burger!  Get a drink!
Congratulations, you've just exposed yourself to one of the few remaining
open perversions on the planet.  Write a journal entry, and tell your grand-
kids when these little places are gone.  With this guide you have safely
adventured and may adventure again.  Remember to practice normal street
common sense - don't talk to strangers, and look both ways before crossing
the street.  Hey, If you're anything like me, after you give the one-gun-
salute you always seem a bit slow on the uptake.

    .-.                             _   _                             .-.
   /   \           .-.             ((___))             .-.           /   \
  /.ooM \         /   \       .-.  [ x x ]  .-.       /   \         /.ooM \
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/lucky  13\     /       \   /     `-(' ')-'     \   /       \     /lucky  13\
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            `-'              the original e-zine              `-'    _
      Oooo                    eastside westside                     / )   __
 /)(\ (   \                       WORLDWIDE                        /  (  /  \
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       (_/     CULT OF THE DEAD COW is a registered trademark of    oooO
         cDc communications, 1369 Madison Ave. #423, NY, NY 10128, USA    _
  oooO    Everything taken for granted is lost.  Edited by G. Ratte'__   ( \
 /   ) /)(\                                                        /  \  )  \
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