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     ...presents... Encyclopedia Brown and the Case of the Missing Warez!
                                                         by Delchi

           __//////\   -cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc-   /\\\\\\__
                    __      Grand Imperial Dynasty      __
 Est. 1984   \\\\\\/ cDc paramedia: texXxt 408-07/02/2006 \//////   Est. 1984

  ___    _   _    ___     _   _    ___       _   _      ___    _   _      __

       The Internet was nothing new to the people in Idaville.  From the
school library to most every house there was a broadband connection that
linked the citizens of the quiet American town to the rest of the world.  The
Internet is a giant worldwide computer network that allows people to
communicate, access information, and share files. It was no surprise that
Encyclopedia Brown and his partner Sally Kimball spent quite a bit of time
researching and learning new things on the Internet.  Like his father,
Detective Brown, Encyclopedia used the Internet to crack some of the toughest
detective cases around.  The only difference was while Detective Brown worked
for the police, Encyclopedia worked out of the family garage.

       Every week, Encyclopedia and Sally hung a sign on the garage that read,
"Brown Detective Agency - 13 Rover Avenue, Leroy Brown, President.  No case
too small.  $.25 per day plus expenses."  One Saturday, Encyclopedia and Sally
were surfing up information on the latest email worms and viruses when a man
leading a burro walked up to the garage.  He was dressed in simple clothing
and a sombrero.  A sombrero is a large hat worn by people in other countries
to keep the sun out of their eyes while they are sleeping.

       "Are you senor Encyclopedia, the detective?"

       Sally and Encyclopedia looked at each other and smiled.

       "Yes I am!" Encyclopedia replied, "How may I help you?"

       "My name is..."

       Sally cut him off with an excited shriek.

       "You're Jose Warez!!"

       "Si," said the man slowly.  He lowered his head a bit, and in a sad
voice he said, "At least I was."

       "Please sit down.  Sally, could you get some water for the burro?"

       Sally was so excited as she filled a bucket with water, that she nearly
spilled it!  Jose Warez was a very famous man who traveled with his burro all
over the country giving out free copies of software and teaching people to
bypass copy protection.

       "How can we help you, Mr. Warez?"

       "Please, call me Jose," said the man, as he took off his sombrero, and
from the inside pulled a shiny quarter and placed it in the piggy bank.  He
then sat down and recited his tale.

       "I was on my way through your beautiful city, on my way to California.
It is so peaceful and serene here that I decided to spend the night in the
park.  I tied my burro to a tree and went to get some food for us.  I ran into
a small boy and asked him for directions.  He was quite happy to tell me where
to find the hypermart food store..."

       "Hypermart?!" interrupted Sally.  "But that's clear on the other side
of the city form the park! "

       "Si.  I did not know this.  When I returned to the park my burro was
there, but all of my warez had been stolen!  Including some very valuable

       Encyclopedia ran his fingers across his chin in deep thought.  Finally
he said, "Tell me Jose, what did this boy look like ?"

       "He was very big, and strong looking.  He wore a hat that said 'Tigers'
on it and..."

       "Bugs Meany!" Encyclopedia and Sally exclaimed at the same time.

       Bugs Meany was the leader of a gang of boys who called themselves the
Tigers.  Over the years, they had attempted many sneaky things, but the sharp
wits and detective skills of Encyclopedia and Sally had foiled them every

       "Lets go pay Bugs a visit," said Encyclopedia, and they all headed off
in the direction of the Tigers' clubhouse.  Jose was so pleased he let Sally
ride the burro!

       As they approached the Tigers clubhouse, they saw Bugs painting what
looked to be a large skull on the front door. It was no ordinary skull though,
it was a cow skull!

       "All right Bugs," said Encyclopedia, "we know you stole the 0-day from
Jose Warez, and we want you to give it back!"

       "Denied, lamer!"  Bugs taunted back, "I don't know what you are talking
about!  I've been surfing up some killer warez for the last few months.  I
have mad skillz and I don't need to steal from anyone.  Especially not some
dude dressed up like a Columbian coffee ad!"

       The burro snorted loudly, but Sally stroked his nose and spoke to him
softly in his ear.

       "All right Bugs, if you are so leet, tell me how did you score the
warez in the first place?"

       "Easy as 3.14, you azzclown," Bugs laughed, "see this line?  It's
hooked up to the T1 that my dad has.  I've been downloading mad filez with
some help from my friends online."  To underscore this, bugs picked up the
length of two-conductor wire that was hooked into the back of his computer.
"I'm going to take this stash of 0-day to Dallas Texas, and present it to the
cDc as an offering, and then join the Ninja Strike Force!  Bow to the Cow,

       The cDc is home to the oldest known gathering of great technical minds
in hackerdom, known as CULT OF THE DEAD COW.  Their strong arm is the Ninja
Strike Force, an elite force of ninjas who do the bidding of the cow.

       Jose Warez looked so sad you thought he might cry.  Sally looked on in
anger, but never once let go of the lead attached to the burro.

       "Well, Bugs," Encyclopedia said with a grin, "I think it's time you
got on the express bus to lamerville.  I know you stole the warez from Jose,
and I don't think the cDc will be waiting to see you either!  Your time will
be better spent on AOL trying to learn some new 'leetspeak.'"


Turn to page 666 for the solution to the Case of the Missing Warez!

                              <<<--- xXx --->>>

       The clue was in the claims that Bugs made about his online antics.
When Bugs held up the cable that supposedly attached to his father's T-1 line,
Encyclopedia noticed that it was only a two-conductor cable with an RJ-11
connector!  It was a regular phone line, not Ethernet!  There was no way that
Bugs could have connected to a T-1 with that; in fact his connection to the
Internet was a dialup!  When confronted with this, Bugs still claimed to have
found the warez online, and insisted on turning them over to the cDc.
Encyclopedia laughed and wished him luck, as everyone knows that the cDc was
founded in Lubbock, Texas, not Dallas.  Not only that, but there was no way
Bugs could join the Ninja Strike Force, as no one joins -- they are the mighty

       Confronted with this, Bugs handed over the warez, including the 0-day.
Jose Warez was so pleased he took them all out for ice cream, and carded it!
Later that night, after Jose went on his way and Sally went home, Encyclopedia
took care of one last thing.  Making double sure the door to his bedroom was
locked, he went to his closet, pulled out a battered old Mr. T lunchbox, and
opened it.  Inside was his Ninja Strike Force encrypted radio.  He placed a
quick call to NSF Command informing them of what had happened with Bugs 
Meany.  As he put the radio back into its hiding place, he smiled and knew 
that Bugs would not be bothering anyone for a long time to come.

         ___________    BLATTA---NON     EST---VACCA     ___________
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|/\)(/\/  _ (' ') _  \/\)(/\|     \   |   /     |/\)(/\/  _ (' ') _  \/\)(/\|
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|/        ||  .  ||        \|    DAEMONSEMEN    |/        ||  .  ||        \|
          || / \ ||                ELIGERE                || / \ ||
     V    ||/\X/\||    E                             V    ||/\X/\||    E
          |A D N I|          the original e-zine          |A D N I|
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       (_/     CULT OF THE DEAD COW is a registered trademark of    oooO
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  oooO              All rights left.  Edited by Myles Long.         __   ( \
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